Why I Relay

I have got a few questions about why I am doing the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life this year. Some who want to know why I would leave up the stupid generic message on my contribution site (mostly from people who haven't sent me a contribution, heh) and some just curious soles. I have really not had a good answer for people, so I thought I would try to work it out here.....and what more appropriate time to work it out than the anniversary of my husband's death.

Why do I Relay?

I am doing Relay because 3 years ago at this time, I sat pretty closely to where I am now and waited for my husband to die. Occasionally, I would will myself into the bedroom to sit next to him, but that was excruciating. Frankly, if I could have done it without being the worst wife/person in the world, I would have bolted. Left the house, got a coffee, seen a movie. (He wouldn't have been alone, I am pretty sure you couldn't blast my MIL out of her chair with dynamite.) Sure the other people in the movie theater might have wondered why the crazy woman in the back was totally loosing her shit, but I was pregnant, I doubt they would have bothered me. After all, cooking and escapism is my therapy. But I stayed. And I prayed. I spent several hours praying my husband would die. We were beyond the possibility of correction and past communication and cherished time together. He had dropped into unconsciousness, had started to stop and restart breathing every couple of minutes, was moaning, and all I wanted was for it to be OVER. For both of us. For everyone in the room.

And that in a nutshell is why I Relay. Because NO ONE should have to pray that their husband/child/father/mother dies to escape the clutches of their disease. And I Relay because those of us who have gone through that need to meet other people who have too. We also need to meet people who haven't, people who have survived. Meeting the survivor's gives us hope for when we hear someone else we know or love is diagnosed. Also, people who have been touched by cancer are less likely to hear that I am a widow and shut down. It is easier for them to see that it is only a piece of who I am these days. I Relay because it is the only event that fights ALL cancers big and small and doesn't spend a lot of money sending people to Hawaii to run a marathon or other places on vacation. But mostly I go so that hopefully the next person I love who has cancer will be able to say that they beat it.

So if you haven't already supported me and you have even a dollar you would like to give, please head over to the ACS page at http://main.acsevents.org/site/tr/relayforlife/rflfy10ca?px=13788785&pg=personal&fr_id=20441 . And if you have lost someone to cancer consider buying a luminara with your loved one's name on it.

Suck it, Nielsen!

I shouldn't watch TV in May.

This time of year is itchy for me. Sometime in April I start to feel a little more high-strung. I find myself crying at lame as commercials or a song that catches me and reminds me of some emotional time in my life. (Hello, bad 80's song, I haven't cried to you since I was 12.) I quite put my finger on what my problem is. I know that I am just a little off. More prone to needing reassurance, more prone to beat myself up about anything that goes wrong, just more .......something.

And then I wake up and slap my forehead.......It's about the time of year that Carl started getting really sick. So of course I am a little itchy. And it's the time of year for TV deaths.

Before Carl died, TV watching was easy. Sure it sucked if some actress moved on and they offered her in the season finale, but I never really thought twice about it. Now, sweeps season is fraught with difficulty. I know that I am not alone. My mom has a friend who's son was murdered, afterward she couldn't watch a lot of the shows that she liked before then. All the CSI, Law & Order shows where someone's murder was the beginning plot point were too hard for her. While I still have my murder/mayhem shows intact, I am left with a problem with shows killing off people naturally.

The first year it caught me off guard, a minor character in a show dies of some random thing. Of course she knows she is dying an gets to say good-bye. Queue a touching scene followed by her getting "tired" and she dies within a few moments. I cried for two hours and then spent half the night composing emails (that I never sent) in which I called the TV writers every name in my (used to date soldiers and sailors) potty mouth vocabulary. I accused them of duping the citizens by perpetuating the belief that death comes easy for people and that this is the reason that people won't move forward to allow people who are terminal to die with dignity, because Hollywood tells them that their death will be easy anyway. But, I petered out and went to bed.

Since then I have been a little more cautious around May. But today I got gobsmacked by a character who dies after his wife died a couple of months ago, leaving his daughter an orphan. And all I can think about is that one of the worst things about widowhood is the random unexpected blows from out of the blue that leave your reeling for no good reason. I shouldn't be impacted by the lazy plot device trotted out in some crappy TV show, but I am. Tomorrow I will be better, but for tonight..... Nielsen can suck it.

My first round of classes are coming to an end at culinary school. And I have been reflecting on what I have been learning. First, in classic french cuisine you can use a SHOCKING amount of butter and cream. Second, my knife skills are definitely improving and I am getting better and better at the useless 7 sided tourne. Third, there is nothing like hanging out with a bunch of 19-22 year olds a couple hours a week to make you feel VERY VERY old.

I was standing in the library of the school on Friday listening to a student who is further in her students vent about the teachers. Chef P (one of my current teachers) is a wonderful man and is super kind and she loves him. Chef M (the other current teacher) is a creep who can't cook and hits on his students. It was an interesting because I would think that a lot of the students in my class would switch these characteristics around. (Except the hitting on students.)

Chef P is a task master. He wants these kids to be professional, clean, focused. He has very little tolerance for people who don't utilize their time well and don't clean up after themselves. In some ways he is also a bit apologetic about enforcing his rules though. When the students don't live up to his expectations, instead of just telling them to get back to it, he tends toward long rambling lectures trying to explain why they should do this. Some of the students don't appreciate being held to the school's uniform and attendance standards and therefore find him to be a bit annoying in his inflexibility. His food always turns out tasty, but I have heard him advocate some cooking techniques that I have read are super no-nos. (Mashing potatoes with a mixer for example.)

Chef M is a talker. He tells the same stories over and over again. When he cooks it looks like a little explosion over the kitchen. (Although it is always cleaned well when he is finished. In Le Cordon Bleu cleanliness is next to godliness.) He has turned a blind eye to some of the side conversations and goofing off in class. He has simply shook his head and walked away when some of the students were discussing the "hot" girl in the hallway. He is always fun for a discussion on something not food related and will pontificate for quite some time about ecological awareness (very important) and animal treatment (They are not pets!).

For most of the last 5 weeks there has been very low amounts of hands on work in our class room. We are allowed to cut up potatoes and carrots, and make mayonnaise. (Oh, the arm cramps!) We have watched the chef make stock, sauces and soups. The next 6 weeks will be nothing but desk classes for our class. Then we will be let loose in a kitchen where we will be required to replicate what we have seen demonstrated. My six weeks will be spent doing a lot of practicing these in advance in whatever open lab I can find since I am required to take only 1 of the 3 classes that the rest of my class is taking. (I have been allowed a pass on the math and software course based on my other college experience.) I probably could fight to get out of the other class (food science) but it sounds too interesting.