Smells like Teen Angst

On of the hazards of cleaning out closets is that you come across things that you have to decide whether they are sentimental enough to warrant keeping. And sometimes you have occasion to reexamine the things you have previously chose to retain.

I opened two boxes today; One was the box of things I packed away after Carl died with the thought that it was stuff that spoke most to who he was, the other was my box of random memory items that I have kept for years and years. The difference between the two was striking to me.....and yet there were some similarities.

Carl was not much of a sentimental sort of guy. When he died, going through his effects was nothing like a chick lit book or movie. No sappy beyond the grave letters, not even an old card that I had sent him. My husband wasn't for retaining or producing missives of love. Really the only things that spoke to his sentimentality was a small pile of get well soon cards sent to him in high school when he had Chicken pox, his grandfathers funeral announcement and a cut out wedding announcement for someone who had been a great friend in elementary school but hadn't been in touch for years. So I put those in the box, along with the stuff that spoke to his interests.......Star Trek memorabilia collected avidly, the title and dog-earred repair manual for his beloved Trans Am and the random chotchkies he loved enough to take up precious desk space.

My box is full of things of a different sort. Mostly letters, deflated balloons, cheap jewelry and bad teenage poetry. Sadly, the pressed blue daisies (my first flowers from a boy) have disintegrated. Somehow I have all the letters my high school boyfriends and I wrote back and forth filled with wonderful insights about skipping classes, and making out. When I was younger I always imagined it would be great fun to show my grandkids the letters that their grandfather and I exchanged when parted. (This may have had something to do with the fact that I was forever dating military men or guys who at least lived a bit away, making letters a necessary medium.) Funny thing is that I never married any of them, yet the letters are still there in the box. And the man I married never wrote me a single letter. Unless you count random post it notes asking me to stop at the store or call one of his clients about a past due bill. The cheap jewelry I will probably keep. It was exciting to get an ID bracelet from my first love....or a REAL necklace from the boy I was dating. While I won't wear them anymore they are full of the sentimental memories for me. Maybe I will eventually get around to throwing away some of my letters because they aren't really going to mean anything to anyone else, and lord knows they are embarrassing to read....but maybe I will wait and read them to myself when A gets to be a teen. Just to remind myself about what teenage love looks and feels like.

But what was the same for both boxes was the lack of things from our childhood before the teen years. I can't speak for Carl, but what I remember most about those years is just fun. The need to keep things as a way of narrating my existence didn't really begin until I realized I wasn't always going to be around to speak for myself.

I don't know if A will care about Carl's bobble head Reagan or my bad teenage poetry. I can't predict what will help her find a sense of connection to the people who brought her into the world or will foster a moment of understand between the two of us as she gets older....... but I know that just thinking about whether or not stuff is "box worthy" helps me focus on what is important in life.

Are there skeletons in there? I wouldn't even know.

I have taken a short leave of absence from Culinary school for this round of classes. My friend Maria did it to go home and I realized that it was possible and grabbed at the chance. Since I was only taking one class, I was commuting 3+ hours a day to be in class for 40 mins and that just didn't seem like an effective use of time. So instead I am steadily working my way through back seasons of several TV shows I didn't know I would like at an alarming rate (thanks Netflix for being a time vampire)......and working on getting my house under control.

The picture kind of shows what I am up against. That is the pile of books to be rid of from 1 of my 3 bookcases. So far I have dealt with A's room and the living room, the two cleanest rooms in my house, and I have made 3 trips to the Salvation army. I have always in the past tried to stay on top of being in control of my stuff. Since A came, it has been MUCH harder. There are several reasons I find it hard to get rid of things that should have gone... I have very little time to do things like this without "help" or someone whining that they want me to play. I never quite know if A doesn't play with those toys because she hasn't grown into it yet or if she just doesn't like it. I have been seriously conditioned by my genetic contributors to not waste things that could be used (which leads to me keeping things like unopened bars of Zest for 4 years because Carl used them and I don't but I can't possibly throw them away because that would be WASTING). And last but not least, I am constantly trying to convince myself that I could sell the stuff and make some money. Which might work if I wasn't totally lousy about posting things on Craigslist and then forgetting to check for responses, and holding a garage sale in the middle of winter with a 3 year old sounds like hell.

Don't get me wrong, my house doesn't look like it belongs in a Hoarders episode or anything. But I wouldn't recommend you look too closely at the closets or garage. In fact, if you open a closet in my house, I would highly recommend you take a step back or shield your head because often you can find yourself clobbered by something that was precariously stuffed in there the last time my in-laws visited.

Yesterday, I conquered the hall closet and my bedroom closet which lead to some questions/observations (some are not first time ponderings.)

1. I have got to stop buying candy for holidays and shoving the unused portion into closets. I have a huge stash of candy I don't like, that I don't want my kid to eat too much of taking up space because I can't waste it by throwing it away.
2. How is it that I manage to buy presents for people and then forget about them? I must have found at least 4 things that were meant to be given for some celebration and have gotten lost.
3. How did I marry a man that liked, without irony, the 80's TV show "Sledgehammer"? I mean seriously, "Sledgehammer"? WTF?
4. Which always leads into whether or not I should keep some of Carl's DVD collection for A when she gets older. And if not, can I really give/throw away 200+ DVDs without having a nervous breakdown about the waste/cost of it all.
5. How many candles, candle holders and vases does one chick need?
6. How many pairs of high heels does one stay at home mom need to own?
7. If I give away all my old office wear will I inevitably decide the next week to return to the work force? (Something I keep considering and rejecting.)

Chances are that I will stuff the hard stuff back in the closet to be considered at another date, because I can get rid of enough easy stuff to make the closets functional and look good without making those decisions. But, next week I have scheduled myself for garage duty.....so if you don't hear from me for a couple of days alert the authorities. I am not entirely sure that the stuff in there hasn't become sentient and may be liable to crush me under a mountain of unused toys and Costco sized packs of toilet paper to protect itself.