It must be a phase

Lately A. has changed her ways. And not necessarily for the better.

Up until now, she has always been really fearless and bold. She is the type of kid who will talk to people at the store, announce what she did in school to the table next to us at a restaurant and generally just be jovial and outgoing. Until 3 weeks ago.

Now we are suddenly having "shyness" issues. When I drop her off at preschool she will hide outside the room and won't enter it. She won't get in the pool at swim lessons (which have always been one of her favorite things). She wouldn't sing at her school's musical night because she "didn't want everyone looking at me." She just wants to cling to me. Of course, when it matters not a wit, she is still very outgoing. But every time we are on a time line, there is someone special who wants to see her, or I am paying for her to spend time with someone doing something that used to be fun, it is a no go. Plus, every time I give in and tell her she doesn't have to do XYZ and we leave, it is followed by a 45 min melt down with her crying about how she wanted to do it after all and begging to go back. But the next opportunity leads to the same clingy mess we had before.

This clinging has also extended to bed time. Now, it is taking her 45 mins to an hour longer to fall asleep and there are WAY more tears and drama surrounding every task that leads up to bed.

Frankly, I am exhausted. I think that it must be developmental because these behaviors started showing up about the same time that her imagination just went WILD and she is suddenly able to play by herself a bit more spinning stories when it is just the two of us. However, knowing that doesn't help a whole lot when bed time stretches into it's second hour and we are on round three of tears and drama over something like tooth brushing because I have had to hold her down and force the issue after 30 mins of fighting about it.

I can only hope that this is a very short lived phase, because at week 3 it has already extended beyond her mother's patience. I ask only for some kind words and maybe a bottle of tequila, we are becoming very dependent on margaritas around here.

I am a flaky person.

I didn't used to be. Many many moons ago, I had my sh*t together. When I said I would do something, I did it. I had the best memory of any of my friends. I could remember whole conversations weeks after they occurred and didn't need to write down things. (I did, because I have an absurd love of lists, but I didn't need to.) I was a force of nature at work.

Then C. got sick. Some little things started to slip in the face of remembering medication dosage, doctor appoints, lawyer appointments and helping him juggle his work schedule to get everything that was currently scheduled completed.

In the midst of that, I got pregnant. Somehow the hormones made me lose my mind a little bit. For the first time in my life, I forgot to do things that are pretty critical, like EAT. I lived on Ensure drinks because I simply didn't have time between work, illness management and my pregnancy appointments to deal with food. Other mothers started talking to me about "pregnancy brain" and how common forgetting where you left your keys were. I didn't worry too much. Hell, I had WAY too much other stuff to worry about my damn keys.

Then C. died. And I found that not only did I lose my keys, but I would find them in the most bizarro places. Like in the freezer. If I didn't write down a date, I would fail to show up at a restaurant where I was supposed to be meeting a friend. I met other widows/widowers online that described the same problem. They called it "widow brain". So there I was at the mercy of my hormones from pregnancy and my grief.

I figured it would get better when A. was born. But I was wrong. I still had problems remembering things if I wasn't reminded in someway, a note, a reminder phone call from the person who was expecting me, etc. I managed to do all my grocery shopping before realizing I didn't have my wallet with me. I lost my wallet 5 times in a year. I forgot that I was making my nieces birthday cake until the night before the party. I had officially gone over to the dark side of flakiness.

4 years later, I feel like I am getting a little better. But, I am still finding it hard. These days, I sometimes remember things that I was supposed to have done. Then I am so embarrassed that they weren't done that I don't want to bring it to anyone's attention that I haven't already done it. For example, I was supposed to have chaired a committee for the local moms club. And I was excited about it, in DECEMBER. I asked the co-president for the list of people affected, and she told me she would get it to me after the holidays. The holidays came and went and she didn't contact me, and I didn't follow up and here we are 6 months later and I feel like an fall down on the job idiot. I have also gotten really good at postponing, almost indefinitely, any task that I REALLY don't want to do. Because running a household by yourself and dealing with a small child takes time and energy, I justify taking the little time I have to myself to do things for me. But it leaves other things....um, not done. Ever.

I am working on correcting this, but it is a hard road back to responsible adult with a decent memory. So if you need something from me, I will be over here drowning in my post-it reminders and trying to get my shit together.