Dearest Darling Daughter,

Why do you hate mommy so?

I know that you say you love me and give me kisses, but your actions speak mightly. And they say you just simply don't like me. Or at least, you don't want me to be a happy person.

For example, failing to achieve napping yesterday was expected. Your cousins were visiting and are far more interesting than lying prone in bed. I even expected that this lack of napping would make the afternoon difficult. However, skipping nap and then NOT going to sleep early was not really something that crossed my mind. Lack of nap, normal bedtime and rising 1 hour early just seems a bit cruel, don't you think?

Also, we need to talk about this rising bit. Up until this week I thought we had a really workable morning routine. It was working for Mommy, and even if you didn't always like it, it was working for you in the sense that it keeps Mommy sane and starting the day in a happy place. It was a pretty good deal, we wake up, you get TV and Mommy gets coffee and internet. After 30-40 mins Mommy is happy and can pleasantly deal with your requests. Telling me that you don't want to watch TV, that you want to play Hide and Seek/Do artwork/Play board games/All of the above in the span of 10 mins, prior to Mommy having even 1 cup of coffee is grounds for Mommy's head to explode.

Additionally, I realize that you are 3 and that everything is important to you. But the way that you are asking for things is going to cause Mommy's head to explode. Speaking! All! In! EXCLAMATIONS! Is! Driving! Me! CRAZY! Really is it too much to tone it down a bit? Not everything is life or death, and if mom doesn't respond to something RIGHT away it doesn't mean you should repeat your request at ever increasing volume and excitement level. Ditto goes for when Mommy's answer doesn't met your expectations. Asking me 47,000 times won't likely turn the No into a Yes.

Thank you for considering these things in the future.....in the meantime, if you don't nap this afternoon I will be forced to donate you to Grandma or the Goodwill (whoever arrives to pick you up first.) Don't worry though, if Goodwill gets here first it will take them some time to process you before putting you out on the sales floor and I am sure I will purchase you back after I have a nap and a glass of wine.

Love,

Your Very Frustrated Mother.

I have no resolve

I generally don't do New Year's resolutions. Every year I let New Year pass as just another day. Somehow the calendar ending one cycle and starting another doesn't really do much for me. I don't like to go out because people get crazy. I don't like to make resolutions because, well maybe because everyone else does it and it bothers me to do anything lemming like.

My birthday is a different matter. I love my birthday. I guess I am weird in that way. I like getting older. I feel more at home with myself every year. Happier about who I am. That feeling has only increased with C's death. I am happy that my body is strong and healthy. I am strong and capable. I love having a day that is about celebrating me. And I use my birthday as an opportunity to take stock in my life.

Before A. came on board I always did the same things on my birthday. Update the resume, make my personal and professional goals for the next 1, 5, and 10 years, and make myself exactly what I want to eat. Add some great dark chocolate and a luxurious bottle of wine and I had my perfect birthday setup. It's a little harder to do this with A around. Also, updating your resume when you haven't done anything professionally in 3 years is a little lame.

But the goals are the same. Kind of like New Years resolutions only rephrased. This year I have decided to take my "no resolutions" resolution a little farther. Every year I make something things my goal. They tend to be repetitive. Get better at exercising, skin care, and cleaning. Learn new things. Etc. Mostly I don't meet those kind of goals. Then I feel like crap.

I start something, and it feels good. Then I get side tracked and the guilt spiral begins. Once I have "screwed up" my plan, I feel stymied in my efforts and give up. So this year I have decided that there will be no guilt. Instead of making goals out of things that I wish I did better, I am going to give myself the year to experiment. I am not going to say "I am going to go to Pilates class twice a week" I am going to go with "I am allowed to explore what exercise options are right for me." I am giving myself permission to decide that what I am doing isn't working out and try something else.

So I am going to experiment this year. Doing what seems right, and letting go of the things that don't work for me with no guilt or excuses. There are clearly some things that are more important to me than others. Exercise is the big one. But when it comes to school, work and house care.....I am going to work this year on letting myself do what feels right rather than what I think I SHOULD do.

Heck, that should be an experiment in itself. I have never really been good at bucking what other people want from me.