I have no resolve

I generally don't do New Year's resolutions. Every year I let New Year pass as just another day. Somehow the calendar ending one cycle and starting another doesn't really do much for me. I don't like to go out because people get crazy. I don't like to make resolutions because, well maybe because everyone else does it and it bothers me to do anything lemming like.

My birthday is a different matter. I love my birthday. I guess I am weird in that way. I like getting older. I feel more at home with myself every year. Happier about who I am. That feeling has only increased with C's death. I am happy that my body is strong and healthy. I am strong and capable. I love having a day that is about celebrating me. And I use my birthday as an opportunity to take stock in my life.

Before A. came on board I always did the same things on my birthday. Update the resume, make my personal and professional goals for the next 1, 5, and 10 years, and make myself exactly what I want to eat. Add some great dark chocolate and a luxurious bottle of wine and I had my perfect birthday setup. It's a little harder to do this with A around. Also, updating your resume when you haven't done anything professionally in 3 years is a little lame.

But the goals are the same. Kind of like New Years resolutions only rephrased. This year I have decided to take my "no resolutions" resolution a little farther. Every year I make something things my goal. They tend to be repetitive. Get better at exercising, skin care, and cleaning. Learn new things. Etc. Mostly I don't meet those kind of goals. Then I feel like crap.

I start something, and it feels good. Then I get side tracked and the guilt spiral begins. Once I have "screwed up" my plan, I feel stymied in my efforts and give up. So this year I have decided that there will be no guilt. Instead of making goals out of things that I wish I did better, I am going to give myself the year to experiment. I am not going to say "I am going to go to Pilates class twice a week" I am going to go with "I am allowed to explore what exercise options are right for me." I am giving myself permission to decide that what I am doing isn't working out and try something else.

So I am going to experiment this year. Doing what seems right, and letting go of the things that don't work for me with no guilt or excuses. There are clearly some things that are more important to me than others. Exercise is the big one. But when it comes to school, work and house care.....I am going to work this year on letting myself do what feels right rather than what I think I SHOULD do.

Heck, that should be an experiment in itself. I have never really been good at bucking what other people want from me.