I am a flaky person.

I didn't used to be. Many many moons ago, I had my sh*t together. When I said I would do something, I did it. I had the best memory of any of my friends. I could remember whole conversations weeks after they occurred and didn't need to write down things. (I did, because I have an absurd love of lists, but I didn't need to.) I was a force of nature at work.

Then C. got sick. Some little things started to slip in the face of remembering medication dosage, doctor appoints, lawyer appointments and helping him juggle his work schedule to get everything that was currently scheduled completed.

In the midst of that, I got pregnant. Somehow the hormones made me lose my mind a little bit. For the first time in my life, I forgot to do things that are pretty critical, like EAT. I lived on Ensure drinks because I simply didn't have time between work, illness management and my pregnancy appointments to deal with food. Other mothers started talking to me about "pregnancy brain" and how common forgetting where you left your keys were. I didn't worry too much. Hell, I had WAY too much other stuff to worry about my damn keys.

Then C. died. And I found that not only did I lose my keys, but I would find them in the most bizarro places. Like in the freezer. If I didn't write down a date, I would fail to show up at a restaurant where I was supposed to be meeting a friend. I met other widows/widowers online that described the same problem. They called it "widow brain". So there I was at the mercy of my hormones from pregnancy and my grief.

I figured it would get better when A. was born. But I was wrong. I still had problems remembering things if I wasn't reminded in someway, a note, a reminder phone call from the person who was expecting me, etc. I managed to do all my grocery shopping before realizing I didn't have my wallet with me. I lost my wallet 5 times in a year. I forgot that I was making my nieces birthday cake until the night before the party. I had officially gone over to the dark side of flakiness.

4 years later, I feel like I am getting a little better. But, I am still finding it hard. These days, I sometimes remember things that I was supposed to have done. Then I am so embarrassed that they weren't done that I don't want to bring it to anyone's attention that I haven't already done it. For example, I was supposed to have chaired a committee for the local moms club. And I was excited about it, in DECEMBER. I asked the co-president for the list of people affected, and she told me she would get it to me after the holidays. The holidays came and went and she didn't contact me, and I didn't follow up and here we are 6 months later and I feel like an fall down on the job idiot. I have also gotten really good at postponing, almost indefinitely, any task that I REALLY don't want to do. Because running a household by yourself and dealing with a small child takes time and energy, I justify taking the little time I have to myself to do things for me. But it leaves other things....um, not done. Ever.

I am working on correcting this, but it is a hard road back to responsible adult with a decent memory. So if you need something from me, I will be over here drowning in my post-it reminders and trying to get my shit together.