I fear no evil, only discussing death with a preschooler

Fish #3 looks pretty close to biting the dust. Following the illness of #2 so closely that I am pretty sure that something is going wrong in my tank and either I need to figure it out and fix it or numbers 4 and 5 will probably follow shortly. Because of this I am psyching myself up to have yet another discussion about death with A.

I am sure that most people don't love talking to their kids about death. It is a hard subject for most adults to really get their head around, let alone a 4 year old. But I dread discussing death with A. the way that Lindsey Lohan probably dreads sobriety. But much like Ms. Lohan's attempts at getting sober, I do it because discussing it is healthier than the other options.

Most 4 year olds can rehash a subject approximately eleventy bajillon times before it becomes old news. The more fascinating or frightening a subject the longer it can randomly reappear from out of the blue. For A. death is one of these topics. Her father's death has put it on her radar and she can't help but notice the permanence of the absences caused by death. This means that for about a month after we talk about death, the subject can reappear out of no where. Since I refuse to lie to her, she knows that everyone dies. (Although, mostly they do it when they are older and it is no reason to worry overmuch about it now.) My honesty on this matter leads to some of THE most difficult discussions as a mother. Trying to calm her fears about her own mortality or the mortality of the people she loves, and attempting to explain to other parents why my daughter is discussing death with their kids.

The first is an ongoing discussion that always leaves me feeling a little battered and bruised. It is hard to see your child upset and not have a pat answer that takes away the fear and uncertainty. It is hard to know that in at least a small way, I chose this anxiety for her when I became pregnant knowing my husband had cancer. On an intellectual level you can know that fear of death is a pretty common anxiety for kids (and adults) not caused by a parent's decisions, but it is hard to remember as your small child tells you she doesn't want to grow up but wants to stay a small kid forever, because she doesn't want to die.

The second hard discussion is a little less emotionally wrenching, but is a mild embarrassment. Kind of like the kid who tells everyone that Santa doesn't exist, my child has deemed herself the spreader of THE TRUTH. She is the one who shares with the preschool class that one day THEY will die and their parents too. In fact, she has been known to add, your mom or dad could die any time now, mine did. She will announce in the middle of grocery store to a total stranger that her dad DIED. And it is hard to know how to deal with that. In some ways, it is just a fact of our life. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. On the other hand, it is more than most acquaintances need to know, and the look of pity that seems to flit across the face of someone who just found out is hard. Our immediate family might be small, but we live life large together and it is unworthy of pity.

I suppose I could limit this discussion as much as possible by buying more fish and seeing if she notices the switch out. But the subject comes up. This week she picked Bambi out from the library to watch, and I am stuck trying to decide if I want to forward through the mommy deer's death. Mostly I am just hoping that she won't actually remember to ask to watch it before it needs to be returned. In fact, Disney movies are pretty horrible for this sort of thing. Bambi, The Lion King, Finding Nemo, all leave me with a decision to edit the film and take the easy way out, or put myself through the ringer over and over again. I have drawn the line at the picture book version of "The Little Princess" because I think that the idea of an orphan is just too much to deal with right now. But the rest of it is just feeling my way in the dark. Sometimes the movies are necessary, she can identify with the characters that have lost a parent. Sometimes, it is just too much. I walk a fine line trying to give some normalcy to her situation and protect her since she is only a little girl still. Whatever I do, I am sure there are therapy bills in the future for her....I mean, What parent hasn't left their kid with a bunch of baggage?

10 mins? Somedays it seems like 10 hours.

When A. was just a wee little tot, I took her to visit her cousin up in our state's capital and spotted a highway billboard that read, "Read to your child, 10 mins a day!" I was flabbergasted, 10 minutes, that's it?

I was thinking about this billboard yesterday as I prepared for our new Monday routine. We have discovered the lovely family pajama time story hour at the library which means we can do our weekly trip to the library, stay for story time and stop to get ice cream as a treat on the way home (SO cold this time of year, but A. is not discouraged). I can't imagine what it would be like to only read 10 mins a day. Most days we have at least half an hour of bedtime stories with other reading mixed in during the day. There is always a negotiation regarding the number of books to read at bed time. My opening bid is 2 books, A. starts by requesting 10. We usually end somewhere in the 4 book range. On Mondays, we end up reading for 1/2 an hour before we go to the library. (We have to get one last read of the books before they go back.) Then a book or two read in the stacks as we search for our goodies, an hour long story time and then 2 books back in bed. (Where it is already past bedtime, so I am admonishing her to pick SHORT books but my love of reading rarely allows me to say No to reading altogether.)

I am glad my daughter has learned to love books. It is telling that I can offer up the threat of losing the right to check books out from the library as a behavior modification technique. In many ways I can't wait until she is old enough to enjoy some of the books I remember so fondly from my childhood. Can anything beat the wonder of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? But I have to remember not to rush this stage, because while it takes a lot of my time, she won't be content to snuggle in my lap as I read to her for too much longer.

10 mins a day seems like so little, and is such a big thing that today I am taking A. to the bookstore to pick out a few of her favorite books to donate to the local battered women and children's shelter. Won't you do the same?

We are the 99%

I have to say that the Occupy Wall Street fascinates me. In some ways, I wish I was able to join in and attend some events. Although I would probably go to San Francisco even though Oakland is closer because I think that rallies/protests in Oakland have a tendency to become destabilized and unsafe. But that is a whole other blog topic.

I get why people are pissed. I am if I think about it too long. I absolutely believe that politicians have sold themselves to the highest bidder. Banks and large corporations largely control our political and media systems and they have little regard for the average person. However, I have a hard time with some of the steps people think will help fix the problem.

Having worked in banks and dealt with regulators who come to audit, I am not sure that large amounts of controls and regulation is what the banking industry needs. Especially since the banks pay outside audit firms to tell them how to deal with it so that they can make their round peg of operations fit into the square whole of regulations. And the outside audit firms ALWAYS have employees that are smarter and better at their jobs than the government inspectors. I once had to explain to a state inspector that if you took the amount of the monthly payments and multiplied it by the term of the loan it was more than the original amount lent because we charge this little thing called interest on loans. I also had one state inspector who would spend the first 2 hours of his day transforming computer paper to lined paper with a pen and a ruler. Even when we offered to provide lined paper, he declined. These are the people watching the till. And are a pretty good representation of the people I met over the 4 years I dealt with Government inspectors. Whether through a lack of training, a lack of caring or just a plain lack the people who are hired to watch our financial systems are less capable than the people who run it and they have very little power to enforce the regulations that they do have already. Until that changes, no amount of new laws are going to keep our country safe from another banking failure.

So I am doing one of the few things I can think that really might make a difference. I am taking my money and trying to go to small, local stores. Christmas shopping for me this year is going to be completed mostly at gift shops of institutions I wish to support. The local zoo, kid's science museums and the fine art museums and some local independent stores. I have already bought the vast majority of my meat on the the hoof directly from ranchers for a couple of years now, and I try to buy produce through my CSA or farmer's market. These things make me feel pretty good about supporting local business and institutions, but there is a trade off. It is more expensive and takes a lot of time to track things down. Not everyone can afford to fight the corporate power that way. And there are some things that it just isn't feasible to find at a local store. Local, independent grocery stores are extremely difficult to locate. Try to buy toilet paper or clothes from a small store. It isn't easy.

Conferring on School Progress and Personality

This week I had a parent teacher conference at A's Preschool. I know, I scoffed at the idea a bit too. But I went and discussed a bunch of things that I already knew about my daughter, and some I didn't.

A is very smart. This is not a surprise. She leads her class in alphabet and phonics work. I am also not surprised, I think she is just naturally wired to love the alphabet. She has known all the letters and most of their sounds for well over a year. She is starting to read 3 letter words and wants to learn more. She cares less about numbers, but she still does pretty well. She counts up to 30 and can identify numbers up to 20. I feel proud she gets it, and then I wonder why because it really isn't something that I have done or instilled in her, I am convinced it is just how she is.

Here is where it gets murkier. Some of the traits her teacher mentioned I think are less desirable in a class, but being me and her mother, I have a hard time not reading them as fairly positive. A likes to add her observations and comments into every discussion, sometimes when it is not the appropriate time. (She is an active participant! And feels passionately about her learning! I see a school career of being the kid with her hand in the air waving it frantically trying to be called on. Ah, I remember those days.) She can be EXTREMELY loud and insistent when reporting slights against her or her friends. (She stands up for her rights! And the rights of others around her!) She is among the most active of the kids in the class....always moving and quickly. She runs with the biggest, most active boys in the class and has no time for children who are dainty, timid or slow moving. The boys she plays with have a habit of playing rough and having a hard time following the rules. Some kids have suffered from the occasionally bruise from them . But not when A. plays with them. Apparently the boys fall in line when playing with her because she simply won't tolerate it. (She is a leader, and a good influence! Maybe her active level will help her avoid the weight struggle that plagued her parents!)

It is funny, because she is shaping up to be a little bit of a mini-me. Maybe that shouldn't surprise me, but it does a bit. I wonder what it means for her teen years. I always wished that I fit in with the other girls more as a teen. I liked girly things, but wasn't interested enough to expend a lot of energy on them and my mom wasn't much for makeup and fashion, so I didn't have a role model for that sort of thing. I always, and sometimes still do, feel more comfortable with boys/men as friends. As a twenty-something, I felt much better about it. One of the highest compliments that anyone ever paid me was to tell me that I was the most authentically me person he ever met. I didn't try to fit into a stereotype of womanhood and managed to be feminine, self sufficient, and one of the guys at the same time. I can only hope for the same for my daughter, even if it means that the years that most everyone else spends rigidly conforming to gender roles are a little harder for her.

Fall on this!

Every November I think about doing something for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, for those who don't know). So this year I thought I would try to blog every day. This is my first blog and it is already the 6th, so clearly I am doing a just bang up job here. Hopefully I will manage to get more writing in before the end of the month. Possibly I will even try to throw in some things that I am Thankful for, since it is that time of year again too.

Today is the first day of the time change. Did we just start Daylight savings time or end it? I never can remember. Whatever the label attached to this, I hate it. Before A. I pretty much adored the fall time change.....Who doesn't love gaining an hour? Either an hour to catch up on sleep or to use as you see fit. The spring change stunk a little, but really wasn't a huge deal. Children change that.

I think that parents hate the time change because it just capriciously screws up bed time. And bedtime for the under 5 is a bit like a car in an action adventure movie.....balanced precariously on the cliff's edge just ready to tip over and burst into flames killing everyone inside. Or maybe that is just at my house.

Also, when the kids are small, you never gain an extra hour of sleep. What you gain is an hour of a tired, whiny small person begging you to entertain them. Super fun! Especially when you add in an attempt to make the small person change their eating times by an hour. So now the tired, whiny, bored kid has low blood sugar too.

Which is why, for parents everywhere I say the time change can kiss my grits.