Tired Mommy Rant

People tell me all the time what a great mom I am. I am never quite sure if this is the truth, or the only comfort that they know how to offer me for the other losses in my life. I don't know if I would identify myself as a super mother. I am a pretty adequate mom. I am the best mom for my child, and I certainly strive to do the best I can at any given time. Sometimes I fear, the best I can do is not particularly good......especially in the middle of the night.

My child is almost 2 and a half. I have probably had less than a month of nights when she has slept through the night TOTAL. And frankly, I can't remember the last time except as a vague memory that is was sometime this last fall. This is getting old. Really old.

This summer Audrey had been starting to almost get to sleeping through the night by herself about 3-4 days a week. And then cold season started. And since October I think one of us has been getting sick, being sick or recovering non-stop and the sleeping has turned into a disaster. Now, when Audrey wakes up I briefly entertain a fantasy of duct taping her to her crib for the night. Or closing her room door and sleeping in the car. Clearly, I can't do this. The clingy, hyper-needy child that would result from that would make the whole effort not worthwhile. Oh, and it might be dangerous or get me in trouble or something.

I have briefly considered sleep training. If I leave her in her crib, Audrey will call out for a couple of minutes and then go back to sleep. But she wakes up every 15-30 mins to call out again. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I suppose if I was able to do this for a week or so, perhaps she would give up the waking, but after one night of this I am so tired and filled with irritability and anger that there is no way we can continue. A week of sleep like that would leave me suicidal or possibly homicidal. So it is far better that I get up and bring her into my bed where I have a 60-75% chance of sleeping well the rest of the night.

Last night was one of the other 25% of the time though. Wherein I bring my kid to bed and she proceeds to talk her way through the night. "Look mommy a kitty." "He is going to get a time out for not listening to his mommy." "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear DOLPHIN." Etc, etc, etc. Coupled with occasionally trying to smother me to death by sleeping on my face. (Oh NO, sleeping next to me is definitely NOT close enough.) I think she must be mostly asleep. (Because I assure you we don't have a cat and also, no dolphin birthday parties.) This would keep me awake even if she was in her room because I am a light sleeper, she is a loud talker, and my house is postage stamp sized with our bedrooms separated by 2 feet. And after a night like last night, I am left teetering on the edge of mommy-craziness and wondering how the heck Carl gets off dying and leaving me to tend HIS child. (Because she surely gets THIS from her father.)

Also, anyone who tells me that their under 6 month old kid sleeps through the night.....I call LIAR. And if you aren't lying, I don't want to know because then I would have to hate you with the fire of a thousand burning suns....or, you know, at least envy you for a week.