So fraught that I have written and rewritten this post several times and debated whether or not to post it. It seems so much more personal and possibly TMI than grief, in-law problems and sleeping issues. In the end, this blog is mostly for me and frankly, I am the queen of TMI sometimes anyway so, whatever.
Religion and faith have been on my mind a lot lately. I am (sort of) looking for a church to join and have been visiting a lot lately. This seems weird to me, because it is hard to find a church that really speaks to your beliefs when you are having a hard time figuring out what you believe.
My mom is pretty uber-Christian. She takes her bible very seriously and studies (even learning ancient greek so that she could read some older versions of the bible). Whenever I mention my conflicting issues with religion/faith she always has the same answer, read the bible and pray. Everything that you need to know is in the bible and God answers all prayers. Which is probably why I don't like to discuss religion much, because the statement that God answers all prayers makes me seethe. I want to shout, "No he doesn't mom" or (on a less generous day) "Do you really think that Carl died because I didn't think to pray?" (As if I would take my mom on as my spiritual advisor. I think all mother/daughter relationships are laced with enough button pushing without adding that.)
Also, if God doesn't answer your prayers most people respond with the idea that "God has a plan, even if you don't understand it." So, if God has a plan, and is going to follow his plan no matter what, why bother to pray for something to happen? Praying to be thankful for something that has already happened, sure, but if your prayer isn't going to make a difference then why? If it is going to make a difference, then why do some go unanswered? Was the woman praying for tickets to the Obama inauguration (to take an example my mom has given me of prayer working) more worthy than the people praying for more important things that went unanswered?
Reading the bible brings up even more issues. After a lot of soul searching I can definitively say that I believe in God. I think that there is just too much magic in the world to not believe in some higher power. Beyond that is where things get sticky for me. I have a hard time with the Bible (or really any religious text) because of the nature of these sorts of things. They are written by men, often long after whatever "facts" have passed. They are edited strongly with the needs of the church institutions placed above anything else. One only needs to read some of the passages about women or slave ownership to know that the texts are definitely influenced by the times and attitudes of the people writing them. There are certainly other religious groups who claim to have the "true" text. There are other people who have claimed to be the son of God and had good followings and were reported to perform miracles. So what makes the bible as we know it THE ONE TRUTH?
Yet through all this. I want to believe. Somehow with all the questions and issues that I have Christianity just feels "right". But I have yet to reconcile my logical mind with my faith and therefore feel a bit like a fraud anytime I go to church. If only God would speak to me. I imagine it would go something like this
God: "I know you have been struggling child"
Me : "Yep"
God: "Well, I am here to help you"
Me: "Great, can we talk about what religion is the best?"
God: "Well, they are all pretty good, but I am partial to Christianity. Jesus Christ was my son after all"
Me: "Really?"
God: "Yep. I mean, Buddha was a pretty awesome guy, and Mohammad definitely got a lot right, Pagans have some good points and the Mormons are just a little wacky, but you know how parenting is. JC will always be my kiddo."
Maybe if all of the Christians I knew weren't all SO faithful it would be easier. Most of the religious folks I know BELIEVE, while I often feel like I believe. But I want Audrey to grow up with some religious belief. Church provides a great community and even if I have problems with the larger macro issues, the teachings of the church (community, service, caring) are things I want my daughter to learn. So I will keep looking (when we are not too sick) for a church that doesn't make me feel too much like a fraud. And hope I figure it out a little more for myself before Audrey starts asking me questions.
Funny--I was raised nominally Unitarian and identified as pagan for the longest time, so I have a very different background, but much of what you say echoes my feelings.
ReplyDeleteI've been going to church regularly for five months but still don't consider myself a Christian. The idea of worship, of respecting that which I find sacred or holy in the world, is very important to me; and I also wanted to be part of a community that took pride in faith and worship. But I still have a problem "getting" faith in Jesus.
However, I just wanted to put in my vote for the Episcopal Church. Its worship is very traditional, being so closely related to that of the Catholic church, but their beliefs are not judgy and I think they really, really recognize that people who attend church may not BELIEVE or even believe. They emphasize being a welcoming home no matter where you are on your faith journey. Our Sunday School takes kids to synagogues and Buddhist practice, etc. They are definitely not literalists, either, and in my chrurch make a lot of reference to the historical Jesus (see, books by Dominic Crossan)--what history says about Jesus and the Bible--a very metaphorical approach. And they're also very into equal rights for all. So, try them out, you might like them!
I started attending Quaker meetings about two years ago and it's one of the best things I've done for myself. (I took an online quiz and scored 100% liberal Quaker. I'm always a little embarrassed when I tell people that, heh.) It's a pretty relaxed, interesting branch of Christianity. And not old-fashioned like seems to be the impression many people have. As one of my friends from Meeting said, "Quaker: We're not Amish."
ReplyDeleteWe really do sit in silence for about an hour. For me, it's good to shut up and try to listen to what's going on inside. Sometimes, on a good day, I feel like I talk to God and He or She listens.
If I have children, I would LOVE to raise them Quaker. The kids at my Meeting are SO great: funny, kind, very into service projects and improving their community. We keep the kids in Meeting for about 15 minutes and then have a program for them.
Plus, I got to tell someone totally deadpan that we have to wear those hats like on the Quaker oatmeal box! And they believed me! That ruled.