I fear no evil, only discussing death with a preschooler

Fish #3 looks pretty close to biting the dust. Following the illness of #2 so closely that I am pretty sure that something is going wrong in my tank and either I need to figure it out and fix it or numbers 4 and 5 will probably follow shortly. Because of this I am psyching myself up to have yet another discussion about death with A.

I am sure that most people don't love talking to their kids about death. It is a hard subject for most adults to really get their head around, let alone a 4 year old. But I dread discussing death with A. the way that Lindsey Lohan probably dreads sobriety. But much like Ms. Lohan's attempts at getting sober, I do it because discussing it is healthier than the other options.

Most 4 year olds can rehash a subject approximately eleventy bajillon times before it becomes old news. The more fascinating or frightening a subject the longer it can randomly reappear from out of the blue. For A. death is one of these topics. Her father's death has put it on her radar and she can't help but notice the permanence of the absences caused by death. This means that for about a month after we talk about death, the subject can reappear out of no where. Since I refuse to lie to her, she knows that everyone dies. (Although, mostly they do it when they are older and it is no reason to worry overmuch about it now.) My honesty on this matter leads to some of THE most difficult discussions as a mother. Trying to calm her fears about her own mortality or the mortality of the people she loves, and attempting to explain to other parents why my daughter is discussing death with their kids.

The first is an ongoing discussion that always leaves me feeling a little battered and bruised. It is hard to see your child upset and not have a pat answer that takes away the fear and uncertainty. It is hard to know that in at least a small way, I chose this anxiety for her when I became pregnant knowing my husband had cancer. On an intellectual level you can know that fear of death is a pretty common anxiety for kids (and adults) not caused by a parent's decisions, but it is hard to remember as your small child tells you she doesn't want to grow up but wants to stay a small kid forever, because she doesn't want to die.

The second hard discussion is a little less emotionally wrenching, but is a mild embarrassment. Kind of like the kid who tells everyone that Santa doesn't exist, my child has deemed herself the spreader of THE TRUTH. She is the one who shares with the preschool class that one day THEY will die and their parents too. In fact, she has been known to add, your mom or dad could die any time now, mine did. She will announce in the middle of grocery store to a total stranger that her dad DIED. And it is hard to know how to deal with that. In some ways, it is just a fact of our life. Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. On the other hand, it is more than most acquaintances need to know, and the look of pity that seems to flit across the face of someone who just found out is hard. Our immediate family might be small, but we live life large together and it is unworthy of pity.

I suppose I could limit this discussion as much as possible by buying more fish and seeing if she notices the switch out. But the subject comes up. This week she picked Bambi out from the library to watch, and I am stuck trying to decide if I want to forward through the mommy deer's death. Mostly I am just hoping that she won't actually remember to ask to watch it before it needs to be returned. In fact, Disney movies are pretty horrible for this sort of thing. Bambi, The Lion King, Finding Nemo, all leave me with a decision to edit the film and take the easy way out, or put myself through the ringer over and over again. I have drawn the line at the picture book version of "The Little Princess" because I think that the idea of an orphan is just too much to deal with right now. But the rest of it is just feeling my way in the dark. Sometimes the movies are necessary, she can identify with the characters that have lost a parent. Sometimes, it is just too much. I walk a fine line trying to give some normalcy to her situation and protect her since she is only a little girl still. Whatever I do, I am sure there are therapy bills in the future for her....I mean, What parent hasn't left their kid with a bunch of baggage?