Widow me this

I seem to be getting a lot of news about people dying this month. Seriously, 3 different people have told me about someone they know and love dying recently at a young age. That doesn't include the handful of people who forwarded me the news article about the 18 year old widow who shot a couple of would be burglars. (Apparently being a widow makes you interested in all widow-related news.) It is very sad that this new year seems to be starting out so hard for so many people I know in a six degrees to Kevin Bacon kind of way. I have always offered to be a resource for the young widows I know about, because I found talking to others in the same situation to be very comforting when I was newly widowed. But beyond personal conversations this news has made me think of some things that I think new widows and people around new widows should know. (Though this is based on my own personal experience, so your mileage may vary.) So here is part 1. Maybe I can get the advice to newly widowed up tomorrow.....

Things to know/do when dealing with a new widow/widower

1. Talk to them. Seriously. Our society is NOT GOOD with death. We don't like to think about it, talk about it, confront it in any way, so when we are faced with the loss of someone we know there is often a desire to distance ourselves. We tell ourselves that we don't want to "bother" the person. (They are bothered by their loss, you calling is hardly going to make a impression.) We don't know what to say, so we don't say anything. We are afraid it will be awkward so we don't reach out. The problem is that A LOT of people who know the widow(er) are doing the same thing. And to the widow(er) it feels an awful lot like abandonment at the time they need support the most. Get over yourself and just reach out. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything.....offer to come over and hold their hand and shut your mouth, that is an offer that is almost never refused. Tell the person you don't know what to say or do, but you wanted to say something. Be honest, it really can't hurt.

2. When you do talk, avoid tired cliches. "He is in a better place" "At least he isn't in pain" "It was God's will" are at BEST cold comfort and at worst could have the person you speak these platitudes at fantasizing about punching you in the face. "I am so sorry," is all you need.

3. Listen to what they want to talk about and cut them some slack. Some widow(er)s find that they want to talk a lot about their loved one's. Others just want to talk about pretty much anything else. I have talked to a lot of widow(er)s who found themselves very sensitive to phrases like "football widow" or "I could have just killed him." Keep in mind that your friend/loved one is in kind of a shitty place and go with the flow. For now, take your talking cues from them and cut them some slack if they overreact about stuff. Really, it isn't you, it's them. But don't be a dick and point that out.

3. Don't just say "If there is anything I can do, let me know." While it is well intentioned, you are talking to someone who is most likely overwhelmed, grieving, numb and possibly just doing their best to hang on minute to minute. Thinking of what other people should be doing just isn't in their capacity right now. Offer specifics. "Can I come by on Thursday and bring dinner?" "Would you like me to come cut your grass this weekend." "Can I take your kids for you for a little while so you can grocery shop or just give into the need to scream without fear of further traumatizing your child?" If you are inclined to help organize things I understand that websites like www.lotsahelpinghands.com can be a wonderful tool to help organize help for a widow. Have one person sit down with the widow and make a list of chores/help she/he needs and you volunteer to be the person who uploads and maintains it. Then when someone mutters the phrase "Anything I can do?" all the widow needs to do is pass out a website.

4. Be patient. And persistent. For me, new widowhood was a numbing, shell shocked experience. Nothing felt right, sounded right, worked right. I needed but I wasn't quite sure what. I wanted to be with people, but always felt alone. I wanted to be alone, but hated every minute I was. Eventually you emerge from the fog, and you definitely notice who was there for you when you walked zombie-like through the worst of it. So even if your friend doesn't seem like your old friend. The conversations are tired or strained....stick it out. Everyone needs friends that stick by them, and remember that anyone can find themselves in that place.

5. It lingers. Widow(er)s move on at different paces and it isn't a straight shot. Some people remarry within 6 months, some haven't had a single date after 5 years. It is complicated. Especially if kids are involved. Life can be moving on quite well when something gums up the works and pokes at a sore spot in your heart. Be willing to hear that from your friend, don't get stuck in the mindset that after a year everything should be hunky-dory. The bad days should get fewer and farther between, and interest in other things should build, but don't expect to sweep the ashes under the carpet and never see them again.