If you are a widow(er)
1. I am so sorry for your loss. It sucks that you are having to go through this.
2. Don't be surprised if at first you feel oddly removed from the whole situation. Numbness is often a first step for grief. I remember wondering why everyone felt so sorry for me. I wasn't the one who died, I was ok. Not great, but definitely making it to every next day. Don't mistake a feeling of numbness with a lack of caring for the deceased. It is your brain's way of allowing you to deal with the grief a little at a time without overwhelming you.
3. It will overwhelm you at some point. Sometime, probably at night or when you are alone, you will feel like you are being battered and bruised with grief. You will ugly cry for hours. Don't bother with tissues until you are done. (Or use a towel) For me, it always seemed to happen in the car. I often arrived at a destination feeling better but looking like an escaped psychopath.
4. People will say and do stupid things. People are not good with death. They don't know what to say to you. Sometimes they will say the exact wrong thing and either piss you off or make you cry. They didn't mean it. The mere fact that they are there talking to you through their own discomfort about death means they care about you. They may not say much, or they may inappropriately ask you for things to remember your spouse by. Cut them a little slack. Admit to yourself and to them that if the positions had been reversed, you wouldn't be a grand expert on what to say either. You know now because of what you went through, but before this you probably didn't. This is especially true for friends of young widows, because many of them have never lost anyone really close. Their loved ones and parents are all still alive, their experience with death is close to nil.
5. Try to reach out to people. Again, people are not good with death. So some will pull away a little or offer vague offers of support and help. This is no time to be a shrinking violet. TELL PEOPLE what you need from them. There are very few people who are going to begrudge helping you out or think that you are taking advantage of them at this time. This is no time to think of yourself as weak for needing help. Don't think you would be imposing ask, "I hate having to eat dinner alone, could we plan for you to come over or go out once a week?" Spend one night trying to think of the things your spouse did and make a list of what people could do for you off that list. That way, you don't have to think of things off the cuff when you are hurting, you can just hand over the list and say "Here is what I need, pick one."
6. You will be pissed at someone for something. I went crazy ballistic on a Target clerk who told me "No day was ever so bad you can't smile." When I was buying a dress to wear to my husband's funeral. If the person you are super pissed at is a loved one, consider the possibility that you may have overreacted. It is perfectly OK to overreact, even understandable. But if you love the person who you are pissed at consider that maybe, just maybe, it is more about the grief and less about the actual incident.
7. Be as kind to your in-laws as you can while keeping your sanity. Whatever your dealing with them, past bad feelings or strained relations, they have lost a child. Hopefully you will never have to know that special kind of pain. If you have children, try to make room in your life for them to know and see their grandkids. Your children deserve to see their parent through multiple viewpoints. Unless your in-laws are toxic, your kids will benefit from a relationship, even if you don't necessarily. And if you think your in-laws are toxic, take care to read #4 and #6 above and make sure it isn't about grieving.
8. It changes you. Don't be surprised if you find yourself more aware of your own mortality and the mortality of the one's you love. Because my husband died of cancer, I am constantly vigilant for health issues in myself and my daughter. Possibly to the point of being a bit of a hypochondriac. For the first year of my daughter's life I had a hard time leaving her side. Every time I did, I was anxious she would die while I was gone. While, clearly, this is an abnormal way to think for the average person, it is perfectly normal for someone post death of a loved one. (So said my grief counselor.) If your spouse died in an accident, you might find yourself unable to deal with anyone being late. Whatever the circumstances, be kind to yourself about the lingering effects. It isn't crazy, it's a normal reaction. If you start to allow the anxiety to dictate your actions (for too long, in the immediate aftermath you are entitled) you may need to see someone.
9. It lingers. Moving on with your life isn't a straight forward path. You will have a couple of good days, then a set back with blubbering ugly cries. Maybe you make it a week and then have a couple more days. For some reason our society seems to think that there is a year long grief period and then it expires. Ha, I say. Ha. You can expect to be randomly poked for a long time. Something will come up and you will feel sad, and wistful. Maybe the ugly cries go away, or maybe they just become less frequent, but it isn't a mountain you climb straight up and at the summit you are healed and totally fine for the rest of your life. Especially if you have kids who will be CONSTANTLY evaluating the hole left by their parent.
10. If you have kids, make sure you talk about your spouse. Don't shut down their questions or tears. It HURTS to see your kids in pain. (See #7 and try to put yourself in your in-laws shoes) And it is easy to try to distract or squash things that hurt. But your kids need to feel like they can talk to you and ask questions about their lost parent. It is ok to cry together and tell your kids, just because you cry doesn't mean you don't like telling them about their parent. But keep it as positive as you can. Don't whitewash the memory, but little kids don't need to hear a bunch of criticism for someone who isn't going to be around. Focus on what you loved about your loved one, and leave the rest until the kids are older and ask. Tell them on special occasions that their parent would have been proud of them. Compliment them on traits they inherited from the lost parent. Make them feel connected.
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