Enjoying the Rain

Someone asked me this week a question that gave me great pause. (And caused me to uncharitably think them none to bright) "What would you give to have Carl back?"

...Huh. First, let us set aside the fact that, at best, this is an awkward, tacky question. We will just ponder it for a moment.

What would I give up to have my husband back? The short answer which I am sure will leave no one satisfied is, almost anything and nothing at the same time.

Carl's death was, of course, an ordeal. In some ways one that I am still coping with. But it is not without it's own blessings as well. Death often can help us open our eyes to the people and memories that are important to us. I appreciate the things that I have more now. I make more time for the people I care about than I did before. The nine months between Carl's diagnosis and death were (for the most part) the best part of our marriage. It stripped away everything else and made us see what was important. Without Carl's death, I probably would not have Audrey.

To ponder having Carl back is like pondering a parallel life. Ultimately, the experience has changed me. Helped me grow. To pondering going back is to ponder hacking off parts of me that have blossomed under adverse conditions. I can't really fathom it. Life doesn't have a rewind button, but if it did could you push it knowing you would turn out a different person? That your child would? It is an impossible question.

The question stuck with me when I took Audrey out for a walk in the rain. I thought that my life now is all about taking a walk in the rain. I can't have Carl back and dwelling on what could have been or should have been makes me sad and resentful, I get stuck inside. Living in the fallout and trying to find the happiness in my life is like going outside and finding a great puddle to tromp through, it might be messy but it is so much more satisfying. So it is hard to imagine what I would give up to go back, because I am trying to hard too find my way forward. So, while I would probably give up anything except another person to have Carl back, what I have is pretty darn satisfying. (All sleeping issues aside.)