She wanted to know how my meeting with the culinary school went last week and we were discussing how I am pretty sure I am going to attend and all was going swimmingly. Until she asked me about the cost of tuition. I hesitated; I thought briefly about lying; I didn't think quickly enough on my feet to come up with a satisfyingly vague answer, so I told the truth. To which she responded, "Well, then I guess you aren't going because that is entirely too much. It's ridiculous and you wouldn't throw that money away." During the course of our remaining conversation she managed to very effectively convey without actually speaking the words that Her Son didn't work his bottom off for that money so that I could piss it away.
It was a sad conversation for me. The truth is, I have always really liked my MIL. She is a very nice woman with a good heart and she is a wonderful grandma to my child. However, my conversation today has driven home the knowledge that we don't agree on many things and there are somethings that I just need to keep to myself. It is sad because one of the things that I miss most about the teamwork of marriage is having someone to discuss large life decisions with, and maybe I have tried too hard to slot my in-laws and my parents into that role. Pushing them in as square pegs into a round peg hole.
It also makes me more acutely aware of how our paths are diverging, with the exception of the link of the grandchild between us. May will bring 3 years that Carl has been dead, by the end of the year the amount of time that he has been dead will surpass the amount of time we spent married. Slowly, my life is changing and those changes are sometimes things her son would have disliked. Her focus is to keep his memory alive, mine is to have a full life and teach my child how to have joy and follow her dreams. Even if sometimes that means giving away something that was hard won and/or cherished by him.
Reality check: it's not pissing money away when you use it to receive an education that will support you and your daughter.
ReplyDeleteAnd even if you did piss it away, it's none of her business.
A useful tip: practice not answering questions. Someone asks something, say nothing or, at most, change the subject.
It's hard to not answer or be defensive, hence the practice. Then if someone asks something you don't want to answer, don't. If they persist, you can say "I prefer to not talk about it." Rinse and repeat.
I am really enjoying your writing, first of all. Secondly, I am glad you can see your former MIL's stuff for what it is: her stuff. I think making a new life for you and your daughter is a noble goal.
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