Yesterday, she told me "we are going to go to Emma's house and see Emma and her mommy and daddy" and when I agreed, she further told me "and my mommy and daddy are going to be there." And I didn't have words.
When she calls someone else daddy (because that must be their name since someone else is calling them that) or talks about daddies, it is a little stab stab stab to my heart. I want to avoid the day when she realizes our family isn't like the others she sees. In a lot of ways this is because I don't know what I am going to say to her. My mother in law has already broke out the "Daddy is in heaven watching over you" once. But I can't bring myself to walk that party line for two reasons.
First: My husband was a good man in his heart, but he wasn't a religious man and sometimes he was deeply flawed in his actions. I am not sure even if there was a heaven he would be in it.
Second: The bible says that the dead will only rise when Jesus returns and calls them home, so even if there is a heaven, and he got in , he wouldn't be there yet. (At least that is what I was raised to believe. )
But, I can't really weigh down a small child with religious hairsplitting, and/or disparage her father (whom I very much loved). So I am at a loss. I know I need to figure out what I am going to say so I don't get caught flat-footed about it with a 3-4 year old looking at me expectantly, but anytime I try to think about it I just cry and can't come up with a good solution.
I am probably not one to post advice here, since I haven't had to deal with your situation, but I'm not sure crying is so bad, necessarily. You had a big loss, of someone you loved. That hurts.
ReplyDeleteI know for my own daughter when we've talked about death (we have had some familial deaths) I just tell her that no one knows what happens when you die, but some people think you go live with God, and other people don't. So far she hasn't had big issue with that.
That's heart-rending, and I'm so sorry for your situation. But I agree with PM - tell her simply and honestly, and she'll probably take it in her stride. Maybe you could look at some photos of her dad together - perhaps she just needs reassurance that she *had* a Daddy who loved her before she was born.
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