Is it too early to be in a holiday funk?

I was so excited for the Christmas Season to get here this year. I was ready. I had big plans. I was going to rock the season out this year. It seemed fitting, because my plan is to return to school next fall, so this is the last year I am going to be at home full time.

Then life happened. A. caught a cold, and shared it. My car needed new tires and an alignment. A. started breaking out in hives that I can't really explain. (At first we thought it was her antibiotic, but it has now been 72 hours since her last dose and she is still getting them intermittently.) Benedryl is causing A. To sleep in weird doses, and I keep waking to check on her, so in the last three days I probably haven't slept more than two hours at a time and wake up is sometime between 4:30 and 7. There was driving white knuckled to the in-law's house in torrential rain and pea soup fog. Because I feel unwell my house looks like no one has been cleaning, because no one has been cleaning. Several of our acts of kindness got pushed aside (it is hard to collect trash in the neighborhood when it is pouring, and playing with Grandma trumps writing to a solider). And I seem to have tweaked my back either hefting the tree, or the third row seats in my car, or some combination there of.

So, while I am not Grinch-like, I am having a hard time summoning up a lot of holiday spirit. All I want is to lay down and sleep. Hopefully to wake and find the housekeeping fairies have been to my house while I napped. For A.'s doctor to identify her source of allergic reaction definitively. And it could be nice if I won the lottery while I am piling up the wishful thinking.

Alas, I am the mom. A single mom at that. So I will drag myself up, swallow a handful of Tylenol and some coffee, pull on my big girl panties and use the early wake up time to blog then do laundry. I will drag the girl to the doctor's office and then to her hair appointment and our appointment for holiday pictures. Hacking all the way.

Look at all the lovely ornaments, where do they all come from?

When I first moved out of my parents house I, like many newly minted adults, had absolutely no Christmas tree ornaments. I was also broke, so buying a lot of new ornaments at $3-7 a pop was out of the question. So I bought a bunch of ball ornaments. I tried to get fancy ones that had glitter and snowmen (or something) on them. They were better than nothing, but not as satisfying as a tree covered in ornaments that mean something to you.

When I moved in with my husband, I had a little more money, but he was very Bah, Humbug about Christmas and our merger meant we were attending two family Christmases and were not home on either Christmas eve or Christmas day. I bought a couple cases of nice mercury glass ornaments and a metal ornament tree, instead of a real tree we would set it up on our entry table and put the presents under the table. It was pretty perfect for just the two of us. A good mix for a Grinch and a Christmas lover. That worked for a while. We acquired a few random ornaments including one from our wedding and one from our honeymoon. But it really wasn't a priority.

When A. came along, I started thinking about Christmas traditions and what I wanted for her. I decided to buy her an ornament every year she could take with her when she moved out. About the same time I read an article about buying an ornament while you are on vacations so every time you decorate the tree, you remember all the fun things you have done. So since A.'s birth our ornament collection has grown exponentially. We probably have acquired 10 a year between trips, buying for A. and just finding things I like. (Because once I get on a roll it is hard to stop.) Then there are the crafty ornaments A. has made in preschool and with mom and Grandma. We now have so many ornaments they don't all fit on a six foot tree.

Last year I decided to write down a brief description of where the ornaments came from. Which have really special meanings to me and which are just pretty little things along for the ride. And it got me thinking about other people's ornaments. How do other people collect their ornaments? Where did my Grandparents ornaments go when they passed? When my late husband's grandmother passed, there were no ornaments to be found. Where did they go? I asked a few of my friends and while most of them hadn't thought about it, they didn't think there were any ornaments left from their grandparents. They mostly knew their moms had ornaments from their childhood, but what happened to the one's from their parents childhood?

So, use the comments and tell me about your ornaments. Do you collect them with method in mind, or just the one's that speak to you? Are they too expensive to be bothered with, or does your tree need to be completely color coordinated and decorator approved? Do you have old ornaments from your childhood or from your grandparents? What's the story?

In parting, I will leave you with a picture of my latest ornament that we bought on our trip down the California coast this summer. It's hand blown glass was originally designed to be a window sun catcher, but with a change to the holder is now on the tree. One secret I will tell you is that buying ornaments on vacations sometimes requires a little creativity. In June you can't always find a good ornament, but things like sun catchers and keychains can often be converted from their original purpose to a great ornament.

A rough start to the Holidays

Yesterday I rolled out our first holiday experience. I had bought an advent calendar to use as our Christmas countdown. Each pocket is about business sized and I printed two business cards for each day, one with something fun for us to do and one with something nice for us to do for others. I added a small gift to each pocket (even though it was a tight fit for some of the gifts). I thought A. would be over the moon.

The reveal started well. A. was excited (mostly about the presents, those pesky cards are just an afterthought). I explained we were going to open one a day but if she opened any of the other presents I would remove them all. We looked at the cards, our fun activity was going to be going to the town parade and we were going to donate some canned goods to a food drive when we attended a Girl Scout event. A. opened her present and received a ornament that was shaped like Merida from Brave. But within five mins, she was overcome with the need to open another present. She was fiddling with them and managed to sneak one past me and into her room. Then she returned to ask me where the present for day 20 was, in a sly little voice that told me she knew exactly where it was. And asked if she could open yet another.

All hell broke loose when I made good on my threats to remove all the presents and screaming, crying and some hitting broke out, earning her some time in her room on top of the loss of her presents. After a couple more minor squirmishes I decided I was definitely not taking this show on the road and canceled our Girl Scout outing. But I was unable to find information about a food drive drop off that was active online, so that meant our good deed for the day was out. The Christmas parade went pretty well until I made the error of deciding to skip the tree lighting part. (Because I had underestimated the amount of arm strength in the kids so I was lugging 3 camp chairs, 2 blankets and 2 umbrellas the 3 blocks to the car while trying to make sure 2 children didn't get lost or run over. This did not lead to me wanting to stand around in a large crowd.) There was much disappointment over that decision that lead to A. losing some toys for a week. I was trying to make a point about being thankful for what we have (ie. getting to go to the parade) instead of getting upset about what we don't (seeing the tree lighting), but it is possible this lesson in managing our disappointment so as to avoid a melt down and a bad attitude is currently beyond her.

I don't know what is going on, but we are definitely in a phase of pushing every limit and trying to see which requests and statements I REALLY mean and which are just suggestions. (Normally I do want her to do everything I ask her to, but in the interest of picking my battles, sometimes I let go of things I don't care as much about if I get push back.) I think part of it is that I find that I am finding myself expecting more from A. At five and in kindergarten, I expect that she is reaching a point where she should listen better and help out more. I also am reaching the point where I expect her to start managing her attitude after being disappointed or corrected. Up until now, as long as she took her time out or did what I asked, I didn't fuss much about the 'tude, but that is changing. I don't expect her to like everything, but I do think she needs to start finding the ability to be respectful even when she doesn't like what is happening. Maybe that is pie in the sky thinking, or maybe it is something I should have expected a long time ago. Parenting is hard that way.

So yesterday was a day of frustration for everyone involved and the countdown was more of a let down. But today is a new day, and maybe we can both find some new 'tudes to go with it.

Thankfulness

I think I am going to try this blogging every day for December thing.  Like Holidailies, only without joining, because that would be too much commitment.

For November we did thirty days of Thanksgiving where I asked Audrey every day what she was thankful for and we put it on the wall on a leaf.  It was nice decoration and helped try to focus her on one holiday at a time while Christmas was popping up everywhere.  This entry may be boring to everyone else, but I wanted to take a minute and write down what we are thankful for in the last month, to refer to in December when the holidays threaten to make me lose my mind.

So in November Audrey was thankful for.....

1. Thanksgiving Dinner (At first she wasn't that clear on the idea.)
2. Playdates
3. My Guinea Pigs
4. Tv
5. Finding caterpillars
6. Family
7. That Christmas is coming  (Ok, that focusing on one holiday at a time is hard.)
8. Grandma Meg and Grandpa Creed
9. Friends who can play
10. A sleep over at Grandma's house
11. Going to see Beauty and the Beast
12. Seeing the beautiful monarchs
13. Karate class
14. Family
15. Sleepovers with friends
16. Mom buys me fun crafts to do
17. Lighting a candle at dinner
18. My friend Patricia
19. Grandma Leslie and Grandpa Carl came to dinner
20. Tyler coming to play
21. My friend Tyler
22. My cousins
23. Sleeping over with Grandma Leslie
24. Playing with Brynna
25. Having a friend over tomorrow
26. Cabbage White butterflies
27. Being a Girl Scout
28. Going to Storytime with Mr. John
29. Candy
30. My friend Kerigan

I was thankful for ......

1. A wonderful daughter
2. My parents
3. My brothers
4. A good night sleep
5. Good food
6. The right to vote
7. Audrey goes to school (What?  I never claimed to be the parent of the year here.)
8. Great neighbors
9. Good Company
10. That I have been able to stay home
11. Good Friends 
12. We live so close to so many beautiful nature preserves
13. Audrey has a great teacher
14. The ability to take a long walk
15. Mom's night out
16. To never have worried about being homeless
17. Time to exercise
18. Being able to volunteer for the Girl Scouts
19. For fun outings with my daughter
20. Having healthcare
21. A big backyard
22. Never being without food
23. Time to prepare for Christmas
24. A clean house (however briefly it lasts)
25. A warm blanket and a snuggle with Audrey
26. Time to play with Audrey
27. Dessert
28. Audrey's active nature
29. That our family is healthy
30. Rain! 

So there you have it.  Thirty days of feeling thankful for things we have all year long.  Mostly we are thankful to have great friends and family. 

A minefield avoided

Discussion on the way home from soccer today:

A: I am glad we live in California.

Me: I am too.

A: Because nothing horrible ever happens in California.

Me: I think horrible things can happen anywhere, but I don't think you have to worry. I don't anticipate anything horrible popping up.

A: Horrible no good things can happen ANYWHERE?!

Me: I think so, but you don't need to worry.

A: Even in California? What kind of horrible things happen in California?

Me: let's not go there. There is no reason for you to worry.

A: Please tell me what could happen! Please!?

Me: What has got you so worked up? Why don't you tell me what you are worried about instead of me telling you what could happen.

A: Well, could an Giant come and destroy our town?

Me: No, I am pretty sure California is a Giant free zone.

A: Ok, could an invention with a giant whipping noodle come destroy the town?

Me: I am pretty sure we are safe from giant whipping noodles.

A: Could a flying robot army invade our town and make us slaves.

Me: I also think we are safe from flying robot armies.

A: Ok then. We are safe, so can I play with the neighbor?

Me: knock yourself out kid.

The Most Influential

I realize that my blog posts over here have been a bit political as of late. This is not usually my setting in life. I have always adapted a live and let live philosophy. My views have occasionally flip flopped (or evolved, depending on your level of benevolence) through the course of my life, so who am I to judge anyone. So I hope you will bear with me as I feel compelled to work through my political angst here.

Shortly after I graduated from High School someone gave me a book, The 100 Most Influential Women of All Time. It was a listing, highly subjective as these sorts of things are wont to be, of influential women as judged by the author and chairs of Women's Studies departments across the nation. The book had the women ranked and provided a brief biography for each entry telling why that person was influential. I can't remember who gave me the book, which tells me it was probably someone who did not understand how perfect the tome was for me. Snippets of information in a LIST, GOD I love lists. I devoured the book reading about the important women both historical and contemporary. I vaguely remember that I fully intended to make it a habit to read a full biography of one of the women every month and eventually work my way through the whole list, but you can guess how likely it is that that happened as I started college and my working career.

But what has popped back into my mind recently as I read the political news, as Facebook and my web boards lead me to research (because I eschew all news outlets unless I am actively seeking information), was my distinct belief at the time that the author had done a grave disservice by not placing Margaret Sanger a the top of the list. With the fight over Susan G. Komen's defunding of Planned Parenthood, the Girl Scouts need to defend their international organization's ties with them and the current fight against birth control, I feel that never has this opinion of mine been more true, or more controversial.

Tonight I went back and reread the mini-biography on Margaret Sanger and I was struck by how far we haven't come in 15+ years. (And, yes for some of my more editorial friends and family, I do realize this is probably not properly quoted, nor properly cited, but seeing as this is my personal blog and not a paper that I am turning in for credit or a published article I just don't care so there. PTHBBBT!)

"Birth control has continued to face opposition from the religious organizations, and the institutionalization of family planning has been criticized by those who view it as a form of social engineering. The legalization of abortion in 1973 further complicated the issue of reproductive rights. But few women would wish to return to the days before Margaret Sanger began her crusade, when these rights did not exist. " - Deborah Felder

I do believe this is true, but given the political rhetoric lately, I am sometimes not sure that everyone is sure of how true this is. Before Margaret Sanger and Planned Parenthood arrived on the scene there was NO way to prevent pregnancy. In fact, doctors were PREVENTED from discussing anything that could assist you in preventing pregnancy or venereal disease. Not even the rhythm method was available, and it was still fairly uncommon for women to be educated. So at that time about the best information you could get if you were poor was that sex sometimes got you pregnant, but not always and no one would tell you why or how to stop it if you already had 10 kids. Additionally, it was your husband's right to have at you any time he wanted with or without your consent.

From the time that Sanger opened her first birth control clinic in 1916 until 1960, there was NO pill and abortions were still illegal until 1973 and definitely not performed in the clinics. And yet Sanger and the organization that she founded were very much pariahs and damned by the Church.

So when we talk about political candidates that would like to take us back to a time when using birth control was illegal, and shutting down funding to an organization that has been at the forefront of allowing women access to knowledge about how their bodies work and how to not have so many babies you become sick from the stress on your body and can't feed all of your children, I wonder how many people really understand how far we have come in less than 100 years. Or maybe they know it in the back of their mind, but don't really consciously think about the implications of allowing politicians to roll back the clock.

Oh how the mighty fall.

Let's dispense with the food first, since I am not sure that my actual blog post will make anyone want to eat.........

Monday nights are always an low cooking night around here. It is just me and the kidlet and we have an after dinner engagement to go to. So when I saw heart shaped cheese ravioli at Costco last week, it looked the perfect thing to have the night before Valentine's day and to serve to a kid as leftovers for lunch on the actual holiday. We spruced them up a tad bit by adding the last couple of tablespoons of cream to the last cup of a Classico Spaghetti sauce jar and nuked that up. Combined with a green salad and you have dinner in less than 15 mins. Hallelujah.

Since I have been reading about what kids eat, or how to get them to eat other stuff, I thought I would add a quick note about A. eats. Mostly she eats what we eat, but a little tweaked. There are a few things she absolutely won't eat. Lettuce, or other leaves are primary. But polenta and meat she thinks is "stringy" also are the no go list. So when we have salad, she has all the stuff that would be in a salad but with no lettuce. Chicken, carrots, tomatoes and avocado all hit the plate and are eaten. Last night is the only night that I will allow her to go off menu from the adults. There wasn't anything on that plate she would eat.....so she was allowed to have leftover mac & cheese from lunch with peas and a carrot stick. Nights when there is nothing that will work for her are pretty few and far between around here, usually she will eat the meat or veg and I have been known to supplement her plate with a fruit the rest of us don't have. This is not to say that I believe this to work for everyone, because honestly, I have no idea how much of her good eating habits are parenting and how much is just her personality. I would like to take credit, but it seems presumptuous considering no amount of modeling, cajoling, bribing and praising will get her to eat more than a bite of lettuce, sauteed greens or any orange winter squash. And getting her to swallow that bite is even harder.

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And now, on to a story. If potty humor or talk isn't for you, please feel free to skip this.

A. has already lost her privilege of playing out front in record time. While I was cooking dinner, she was out in the front with the neighbor's son, T. I went to the window to give them their 5 min warning and didn't see A. I asked T. where A. was and he said she was in the side yard. I yelled out to A. to come back into the front where I can see her from the windows. To which she replied that she couldn't. Puzzled, and a little annoyed at the lack of jumping to do my bidding, I informed her that she better have a good reason. To which she yelled at the top of her lungs, "T. MADE me POOP and I don't have anything to wipe with."

Oh. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Did my kid just announce to me and all the neighbors within yelling distance that she dropped a deuce (in the vernacular) in my flower bed and was standing in said bed with NO PANTS ON???!!!??

Several things happened all at once. T. denied the charge. (No shit kid. Ha, see what I did there?) The 20-something single guy who lives across the street looked up from whatever he was doing to his enormous RV, immediately dropped his gaze, and hustled back into his house. And I said, "WHAT!?" And then deciding that she was clearly too young for a prank this elaborate, shut the window and hustled myself outside.

A. was in fact in the far side yard, behind a bush, pants around the ankles. There was evidence that she had, uh, done some business back there. I picked her up by the armpits and proceeded to carry her into the house exactly as I found her, while she was explaining. T. was clearly embarrassed to be greeted by the naked bottom of his playmate and averted his eyes. (Nakedness! And a Girl! Who isn't related to me! The HORROR!!!) She was insistent that T. had "made" her. I told her that was bunk, so she said, "Well, I said I had to go to the bathroom and T. said 'Pee in a bush!'" Ok, that I believe. T. of course was quick with a denial as we were walking past, but I clearly had bigger poop to scoop. I sent him packing without discussion.

A. was sent to clean up and get ready for dinner while I dealt with the dreaded No. 2. Afterward, she was informed that she has had her outside alone card revoked for bad decision making. And much later, with a glass of wine in hand, it is almost kind of funny. In a really gross way. But I will never admit that to A.

She's Growing up and More Dinner

Today I decided to start letting A. play out front a little bit without direct supervision. It is kind of a scary thing. While I know that the chances of her being kidnapped or even really bothered on our street are pretty darn slim.....it just seems like she is really little still. But she is anxious to do it, so we sat down and had a long talk about the rules. She may not leave our driveway or front yard. She may not speak to anyone if we don't know their name before they start talking, even if they have candy and/or a puppy. And all the windows and the front door must remain open, so I can pretty much hear every darn thing she is doing because our house is small and my daughter is not a delicate, quiet girl.

She is pretty good rule follower, especially when rule following nets her privileges she REALLY wants, that will swiftly be removed if the rules are violated. Our neighborhood is safe, a check of a year's worth of crime data in the area shows that anything but property crime is almost unheard of, and honestly, I am still checking on her every 3-5 mins while she out there so it is more like the illusion of unsupervised play.

We found a rope swing I had forgotten about in the garage and hung it up on one of the front trees, which was the real draw for the front yard, and she spent 30 mins happily swinging within arms reach of the house window. Most of the time she wants to play out front she has the neighbor's son with her so I am pretty confident that the novelty of the situation will wear off soon. Until then the new swing and the ability to ride her scooter around the parked car in the driveway that my husband enlarged to roughly the size of a basketball court will keep her entertained and looking to be on my best side.

But this newfound independence along with the fact that she starts Kindergarten in the fall only drives home that the point of parenting isn't to hold on tightly, but to teach them to fly so that they can be adults one day. It just wish the flying lessons didn't start so soon. And I wish that the world was such that I could let go this little bit without having to explain that not all people are nice and kind to children, and it is hard to tell from a first glance who is and who isn't.

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And while A. was exploring her new swing, I was busy making dinner. Braised Crosscut Shanks over Polenta with wilted Chard. (Do they even sell Crosscut Shanks at stores? I certainly had never cooked with them before I started ordering my meat on the hoof, but they are a tasty part. You can sub short ribs if you want or really any other braising bit of cow.)

This is not a quick fix dinner for the faint of heart. I started cooking the shanks when I was making lunch. A quick brown in some oil for flavor before they were pulled out of the pan, then some carrots, onions and celery sweated in the same pan before a deglazing with about a cup of red wine. (The dregs of a bottle that had been on my counter for 3 days.) I shoved the shanks back in and added some chicken stock to cover them about 1/2 way and turned the heat to low and left it alone while I did some work cleaning out my garage. (Why is my garage constantly full of stuff waiting to go to Goodwill?)

The shanks went on for a while before I added my polenta pot to the stovetop. Polenta is a labor of love. It takes about an hour and a half for it to be really done, and requires frequent stirring (like every 5 mins) so it is not for those busy days when you have tons to do, or for weeknights when you are rushing home. But it is easy and mindless as long as you put in the time. 6 cups of liquid get brought to a boil. (I tend to use chicken stock or stock and water, but some people use milk.) Whisk in 1 cup of polenta (or cornmeal). I like Bob's Red Mill course ground cornmeal because it is whole grain and doesn't taste any different, but they sell polenta in a bag with a pheasant on it in the flour aisle too. Turn the heat to low, and whisk a lot for the first 5ish mins. (Almost constantly) But then you can change to every 5 mins, toward the end you can even go a bit longer. If it starts to get so thick it is hard to whisk, add a 1/2 cup more water. My afternoon went something like, whisk the polenta, chop some veggie, check on A. Rinse, lather and repeat. The nice thing about polenta is that it is just as easy (hard) to make a big pot as a small one, and if you have leftovers you can pour them into a baking sheet and let it set up into a firm porridge. From there you can put it in the fridge and use the leftovers to make fried polenta by cutting it into squares and giving it a 4-5 mins on each side in a lightly greased pan. So one day cooking, two (or more) nights of side dishes.

About 20 mins before dinner is to be served, remove the lid from the meat pot, so that all the water can evaporate turning the wine, stock and melted fat into a lovely glaze. Grate about a cup - 2 cups of parmesano-reggiano and toss it into the polenta. About 10 mins before, take the chopped up garlic and shallots and throw them in olive oil in a skillet with chopped greens and wilt. Dump it all into the bowl and viola you have done your best Sunday Italian Grandma impression.

Dinner, Part II

Dinner with us, Day 2. What do you do when you have 3 heads of lettuce in your refrigerator? Dinner salad, of course. Tonight was Cobb salads. One of the true pleasures of living in California is that you can grill year round so I thew some chicken on the grill, baked some bacon and boiled some eggs for this classic salad.

I don't have a lot to say about this dinner, but I will take a second to mention baking bacon as a quick culinary instruction. If you don't cook your bacon this way, you should. It is SO easy and mess free. Just throw the bacon in a single layer on a baking sheet, put it in a 400 degree oven and 10-15 mins later great bacon is done. No flipping, no splatters, enough bacon for everyone all at once. Do it. You know you want to.

Seconds......food and otherwise

One of my internet friends decided to blog about her dinners this week. She also mentioned that she finds it fascinating to see what normal, non-food bloggers are eating for dinner. And since I am finding her posts to be very interesting....I figured I would go ahead and document a pretty average week worth of dinners from my family's perspective.

So tonight for dinner we had Chicken and Veggie Chowder with Whole Wheat Bread.

This is the time of year that I get pretty serious about eating down our freezer. My main chest freezer in the garage needs to be defrosted before I get the pig and cow that I purchase from the ranch back from the butcher in May. So I have an inventory of what is in there and try to plan meals to use up at least one thing from the freezer and keep the veggies we get in our CSA from going bad. (Because nothing is more irritating than paying to throw away vegetables.) Today we got rid of a bag of frozen corn that was looking a little freezer burned, some frozen homemade chicken stock and celery, leeks, onions and broccoli that had been hanging around my fridge long enough that I was starting to worry about the leeks going off. And just so you know, I do realize that it is a little crazy pants to keep a running inventory of your freezer. But only a little.

I don't really do a soup recipe but it essentially goes something like this: Grab the garlic, celery, leeks and onions and cut them up. Sweat them in olive oil (or you can add bacon slivers and do it in bacon grease if you really want to have a rich meal) in a big pan until they are soft. Pull them out. Cut up the chicken and cook it in the same pot in olive oil. When it is mostly done, throw the veggies back in. Dump in a bunch of chicken stock (Until it is covered but not by too much). Add herbs. (Bay leaf and thyme.) Bring to a simmer, and you can leave it there for awhile. About 1/2 an hour before eating, add a couple of cut up potatoes. Cook until the potatoes are soft. Add corn (frozen or canned) and broccoli florets. (If you don't have broccoli, you can leave it out or add spinach or chard instead.) Bring it back to steaming and let the broccoli cook. Right before serving add about a cup of milk and 1/2-1 c of cream. But don't let it boil after you add the milk products. Enjoy, and maybe have seconds. A declared it "delicious" even though it didn't have pasta, which is among the highest compliments she can give.

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And now to a real blog post.

Someone posted a link to this story on Facebook and it definitely resonated with me.

I can't tell you how many times as a single mother I have wondered about leaving A alone. Is it ok to run to the neighbor's house to borrow something while the 6 month old is napping? (It is less distance than if I had a big house and put the kid to sleep upstairs and walked to the family room.) How old does she have to be before I can leave her alone for a few minutes to go to the unattached garage and change laundry? And more recently, Can I leave a 4-5 year old at a table at a restaurant while I pee (very quickly) by myself, especially since her insistence that she DOESN'T NEED TO GO is about to break over to the loud and obnoxious state, and I don't want the waitress to think we are running out on our bill? (I do take my 4 year old out to eat with just the two of us, and it is great fun. Mostly.) When is it ok for her to play unattended with an older friend in the front yard in our, pretty darn safe, suburban neighborhood? When staying in a hotel, can you safely leave a sleeping kid to get a soda and ice from the machines at the end of the hall?

Sometimes I really wish kids would just come with a rule book. But then about 1/2 of the internet might go belly up......just look at the comments in the section for that guy who shot his daughter's laptop.

Physical Education

Yesterday I was sitting at A's swim lessons minding my own business (ok totally eavesdropping on the two guys sitting near me with their kids) when a littler kid started flirting with me. You know, little kid flirts that are all about getting the attention of an adult, but they are a little shy about strangers, so they wave and then hide. So I started to sort of talk to the guys about their kids. (One of them has a kid in A's swim lesson.) And then one of them said something that made me lose my mind and say things that are probably socially inappropriate, he told me he was a middle school P.E. Teacher.

Now maybe some of you liked P.E. in middle school, to you I say, move along nothing to see here. But I know that there must be others out there who believe that P.E. classes in the 6th, 7th and 8th grades are definitely deserving of their own circle in Hell. I HATED P.E. classes with a burning passion at that age. And I ESPECIALLY hated, despised, and dreaded seeing my P.E. Teachers. There was nothing good in P.E.

On clear days, you could be expected to run. OH, how I wish I had to ability to go back and tell the 12-14 year old me that it would be fine if I got my mom to buy me a decent sports bra. But then, I was really embarrassed to talk to my mom about stuff like that (for no reason other than age as far as I can discern) so I probably wouldn't take my own advice. Let me tell you, running when you are a C-D cup in 7th grade and wearing a woefully inadequate bra is A) painful, B) practically begging to be stared at and made uncomfortable by boys, and C) practically begging girls to go out of their way to humiliate and ridicule you (probably out of their own self-conciousness, not that it would help a 12 year old to know that or they would believe it.) These are not a recipe for teaching a kid to like to run. My PE teachers used to follow me trying to urge me into running by asking if I wanted to be a lard butt while I walked swiftly instead. So basically every run was 15 minutes of being hounded by adults about why I wasn't running and allowing my self esteem to take a beating.

Rainy days may have been even worse, because then we would square dance. All the girls would line up on one side and the boys on the other and they would go down one line or the other and let the kids pick partners. GAH, the angst. God forbid you be among the last picked or if you seemed presumptuous and picked a partner who was above you in social station. A buzz will trill through the air as everyone whispered to each other and laughed behind your back.

The really sad fact is that in my middle school years I was NOT fat. I hit puberty before a lot of other kids in my class and I had boobs and hips, but I wasn't particularly large. I liked to ride my bike a lot and walked everywhere. I was active and probably REALLY healthy. But PE convinced me that I was HORRIBLE at exercising and I stopped trying.

But, it was still probably rude of me to greet the disclosure of some random guy's profession with, "OHHHH, You're THAT guy. GAWD, I hated PE teachers when I was in middle school." He laughed it off and turned back to the other person he had been talking to, and I went to hide in the women's restroom for the last 5 mins of lessons. Maybe next week I will remember to apologize for demeaning his profession, or maybe I will revert and just sit in the back corner and hope he doesn't notice me.

Widow part 2

So for the minute number of people here who might be new widows, here is some advice for you.

If you are a widow(er)

1. I am so sorry for your loss. It sucks that you are having to go through this.

2. Don't be surprised if at first you feel oddly removed from the whole situation. Numbness is often a first step for grief. I remember wondering why everyone felt so sorry for me. I wasn't the one who died, I was ok. Not great, but definitely making it to every next day. Don't mistake a feeling of numbness with a lack of caring for the deceased. It is your brain's way of allowing you to deal with the grief a little at a time without overwhelming you.

3. It will overwhelm you at some point. Sometime, probably at night or when you are alone, you will feel like you are being battered and bruised with grief. You will ugly cry for hours. Don't bother with tissues until you are done. (Or use a towel) For me, it always seemed to happen in the car. I often arrived at a destination feeling better but looking like an escaped psychopath.

4. People will say and do stupid things. People are not good with death. They don't know what to say to you. Sometimes they will say the exact wrong thing and either piss you off or make you cry. They didn't mean it. The mere fact that they are there talking to you through their own discomfort about death means they care about you. They may not say much, or they may inappropriately ask you for things to remember your spouse by. Cut them a little slack. Admit to yourself and to them that if the positions had been reversed, you wouldn't be a grand expert on what to say either. You know now because of what you went through, but before this you probably didn't. This is especially true for friends of young widows, because many of them have never lost anyone really close. Their loved ones and parents are all still alive, their experience with death is close to nil.

5. Try to reach out to people. Again, people are not good with death. So some will pull away a little or offer vague offers of support and help. This is no time to be a shrinking violet. TELL PEOPLE what you need from them. There are very few people who are going to begrudge helping you out or think that you are taking advantage of them at this time. This is no time to think of yourself as weak for needing help. Don't think you would be imposing ask, "I hate having to eat dinner alone, could we plan for you to come over or go out once a week?" Spend one night trying to think of the things your spouse did and make a list of what people could do for you off that list. That way, you don't have to think of things off the cuff when you are hurting, you can just hand over the list and say "Here is what I need, pick one."

6. You will be pissed at someone for something. I went crazy ballistic on a Target clerk who told me "No day was ever so bad you can't smile." When I was buying a dress to wear to my husband's funeral. If the person you are super pissed at is a loved one, consider the possibility that you may have overreacted. It is perfectly OK to overreact, even understandable. But if you love the person who you are pissed at consider that maybe, just maybe, it is more about the grief and less about the actual incident.

7. Be as kind to your in-laws as you can while keeping your sanity. Whatever your dealing with them, past bad feelings or strained relations, they have lost a child. Hopefully you will never have to know that special kind of pain. If you have children, try to make room in your life for them to know and see their grandkids. Your children deserve to see their parent through multiple viewpoints. Unless your in-laws are toxic, your kids will benefit from a relationship, even if you don't necessarily. And if you think your in-laws are toxic, take care to read #4 and #6 above and make sure it isn't about grieving.

8. It changes you. Don't be surprised if you find yourself more aware of your own mortality and the mortality of the one's you love. Because my husband died of cancer, I am constantly vigilant for health issues in myself and my daughter. Possibly to the point of being a bit of a hypochondriac. For the first year of my daughter's life I had a hard time leaving her side. Every time I did, I was anxious she would die while I was gone. While, clearly, this is an abnormal way to think for the average person, it is perfectly normal for someone post death of a loved one. (So said my grief counselor.) If your spouse died in an accident, you might find yourself unable to deal with anyone being late. Whatever the circumstances, be kind to yourself about the lingering effects. It isn't crazy, it's a normal reaction. If you start to allow the anxiety to dictate your actions (for too long, in the immediate aftermath you are entitled) you may need to see someone.

9. It lingers. Moving on with your life isn't a straight forward path. You will have a couple of good days, then a set back with blubbering ugly cries. Maybe you make it a week and then have a couple more days. For some reason our society seems to think that there is a year long grief period and then it expires. Ha, I say. Ha. You can expect to be randomly poked for a long time. Something will come up and you will feel sad, and wistful. Maybe the ugly cries go away, or maybe they just become less frequent, but it isn't a mountain you climb straight up and at the summit you are healed and totally fine for the rest of your life. Especially if you have kids who will be CONSTANTLY evaluating the hole left by their parent.

10. If you have kids, make sure you talk about your spouse. Don't shut down their questions or tears. It HURTS to see your kids in pain. (See #7 and try to put yourself in your in-laws shoes) And it is easy to try to distract or squash things that hurt. But your kids need to feel like they can talk to you and ask questions about their lost parent. It is ok to cry together and tell your kids, just because you cry doesn't mean you don't like telling them about their parent. But keep it as positive as you can. Don't whitewash the memory, but little kids don't need to hear a bunch of criticism for someone who isn't going to be around. Focus on what you loved about your loved one, and leave the rest until the kids are older and ask. Tell them on special occasions that their parent would have been proud of them. Compliment them on traits they inherited from the lost parent. Make them feel connected.

Widow me this

I seem to be getting a lot of news about people dying this month. Seriously, 3 different people have told me about someone they know and love dying recently at a young age. That doesn't include the handful of people who forwarded me the news article about the 18 year old widow who shot a couple of would be burglars. (Apparently being a widow makes you interested in all widow-related news.) It is very sad that this new year seems to be starting out so hard for so many people I know in a six degrees to Kevin Bacon kind of way. I have always offered to be a resource for the young widows I know about, because I found talking to others in the same situation to be very comforting when I was newly widowed. But beyond personal conversations this news has made me think of some things that I think new widows and people around new widows should know. (Though this is based on my own personal experience, so your mileage may vary.) So here is part 1. Maybe I can get the advice to newly widowed up tomorrow.....

Things to know/do when dealing with a new widow/widower

1. Talk to them. Seriously. Our society is NOT GOOD with death. We don't like to think about it, talk about it, confront it in any way, so when we are faced with the loss of someone we know there is often a desire to distance ourselves. We tell ourselves that we don't want to "bother" the person. (They are bothered by their loss, you calling is hardly going to make a impression.) We don't know what to say, so we don't say anything. We are afraid it will be awkward so we don't reach out. The problem is that A LOT of people who know the widow(er) are doing the same thing. And to the widow(er) it feels an awful lot like abandonment at the time they need support the most. Get over yourself and just reach out. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything.....offer to come over and hold their hand and shut your mouth, that is an offer that is almost never refused. Tell the person you don't know what to say or do, but you wanted to say something. Be honest, it really can't hurt.

2. When you do talk, avoid tired cliches. "He is in a better place" "At least he isn't in pain" "It was God's will" are at BEST cold comfort and at worst could have the person you speak these platitudes at fantasizing about punching you in the face. "I am so sorry," is all you need.

3. Listen to what they want to talk about and cut them some slack. Some widow(er)s find that they want to talk a lot about their loved one's. Others just want to talk about pretty much anything else. I have talked to a lot of widow(er)s who found themselves very sensitive to phrases like "football widow" or "I could have just killed him." Keep in mind that your friend/loved one is in kind of a shitty place and go with the flow. For now, take your talking cues from them and cut them some slack if they overreact about stuff. Really, it isn't you, it's them. But don't be a dick and point that out.

3. Don't just say "If there is anything I can do, let me know." While it is well intentioned, you are talking to someone who is most likely overwhelmed, grieving, numb and possibly just doing their best to hang on minute to minute. Thinking of what other people should be doing just isn't in their capacity right now. Offer specifics. "Can I come by on Thursday and bring dinner?" "Would you like me to come cut your grass this weekend." "Can I take your kids for you for a little while so you can grocery shop or just give into the need to scream without fear of further traumatizing your child?" If you are inclined to help organize things I understand that websites like www.lotsahelpinghands.com can be a wonderful tool to help organize help for a widow. Have one person sit down with the widow and make a list of chores/help she/he needs and you volunteer to be the person who uploads and maintains it. Then when someone mutters the phrase "Anything I can do?" all the widow needs to do is pass out a website.

4. Be patient. And persistent. For me, new widowhood was a numbing, shell shocked experience. Nothing felt right, sounded right, worked right. I needed but I wasn't quite sure what. I wanted to be with people, but always felt alone. I wanted to be alone, but hated every minute I was. Eventually you emerge from the fog, and you definitely notice who was there for you when you walked zombie-like through the worst of it. So even if your friend doesn't seem like your old friend. The conversations are tired or strained....stick it out. Everyone needs friends that stick by them, and remember that anyone can find themselves in that place.

5. It lingers. Widow(er)s move on at different paces and it isn't a straight shot. Some people remarry within 6 months, some haven't had a single date after 5 years. It is complicated. Especially if kids are involved. Life can be moving on quite well when something gums up the works and pokes at a sore spot in your heart. Be willing to hear that from your friend, don't get stuck in the mindset that after a year everything should be hunky-dory. The bad days should get fewer and farther between, and interest in other things should build, but don't expect to sweep the ashes under the carpet and never see them again.

The Hardest Lesson

A couple of weeks ago I had an epiphany. I am sure that it is a concept that 90% of adults already know and when I reveal it will shake their head in wonder that it has taken nearly 35 years to notice the obvious. But it did and I feel the need to share. So here it goes.....

Life is a process. Full of behavioral habits.

I know. Kind of dumb. But it occurred to me that I have treated a lot of things as goals to be reached. I am going to be physically fit! I am going to be financially responsible! I am going to be organized! I am going to be the most awesome mum ever and not yell or spank, but firmly discipline without tears and threats!

I have always thought that if I could just GET to the place where I was organized (for example) that staying that way would be magically easy. It would be like unlocking a door to a room where organized people go, and I would know all the secrets and it would take little to no effort to stay that way. I could remain in the organized room forever. So I have slogged through the work to obtain ..... organization or whatever, and for the most part, I have never reached that door. Whenever I achieve organization in one part of my house, another part falls apart. So I get frustrated and decide that I WILL. NEVER. BE. ORGANIZED. That usually leads to me giving up for a while.

Until I had this insight. These goals are not a mountain to be summited. All hard work on one side and easy downhill slide once I get there. They are more like a cycle. If I desire to be better organized, I don't have to achieve perfect organization. All I have to do is to be more organized, on average, than I have in the past. To have more days when I am slightly better than average at organization. I don't have to transform into a person who goes to the gym everyday for an hour or more. I just have to have more days when I eat less and move more, to be more fit and healthier.

Maybe if I can manage to do this for long enough I will get the coveted trophy of adulthood.

The Ties that Bind you up

I am getting ready to write a letter that I have meant to write for some time. I won't go into great detail about the situation that made the need for the letter, but I will tell you that the contents of it have me reflecting a lot on family relationships.

Everyone agrees that family is important. Most people want to maintain a good relationship with their family members but it is often hard. From my experience the idea that your family grows with you and your siblings grow to be some of your best friends and your parents learn to support you as an fully capable adult is less than normal. Parents and their children always seem to have at least a smidge of a power struggle at the heart of their relationship. Siblings, even as adults, don't always understand each other and feel the need to compete. For most of us, we find a way to love one another even as we build our own families with friends and loved one's that we choose. Adding people we find along the way to supplement or sometimes even supplant our imperfect relationships built by birthright.

But at what point do you decide that a familial relationship is too toxic to even withstand the occasional call or visit? What if you find that someone related to you, by no choice of your own, makes you feel awful every time they come around. It is a hard decision to make, one that is not supported by most. Everyone says, "OH but it's your mom/uncle/cousin/whatever. You can't just give up." And so often people suck it up longer than they ever would for a stranger or a friend. Smiling politely when they really want to tell the other person to shut up, stop being so self-rightegeous or to stuff it. Of course, you can never actually do that, because that story would be added to the "bad/funny" family stories list.....like when your aunt's husband got drunk at Christmas and made a scene telling off your Grandpa.

And what of the opposite? Through time or distance you find yourself estranged from someone who is related to you, but seems pretty cool. How do you reach across a divide to someone whose blood you share and offer friendship when you have been nothing but a familial afterthought for a long time? When you have been relegated to holiday small talk and Christmas Card exchanges is it possible to build something more without the framework of the remainder of the family pushing you back into your normal boxes? Especially if you don't have much to do except gossip about the rest of the family.

If you are lucky, and I am, your immediate family is mostly normal, sane and supportive. Even though your mother drives you crazy, you don't really understand some of your siblings' decisions and you really wish the one would stop that REALLY annoying habit every time you see him, you enjoy each other's company. If you are REALLY REALLY lucky, you find extended family members that care about you for who you are, not just because you are the blood of their blood, or because you make them look good by comparison. And maybe with enough of them you find a secret wink and a handshake that allows you to let the neigh sayers barbs and digs roll off of you, like water off a duck.

Or maybe you find your family reunion should just be sponsored by a major brewing company.

Oldish Resolutions

As I said last year, I don't usually do resolutions at the New Year. But for some reason a couple of weeks ago I was filled with the need to make some changes. I resisted for a few days, but then I wondered why I should let my loathing of resolutions prevent me from making a change when I want to. And since my last resolution was to allow myself to experiment with change when I want to, I went ahead and resolved some things.

I decided that I was wasting ENTIRELY too much time monkey clicking around the internet. So I decided to limit my internet surfing. Twice a day in the morning and at night, unless I am blogging or actually chatting (not facebooking) and then I can have extra time. I should be able to check out all my websites in that amount of time. Of course everyone else thinks, duh get off the computer, but this is a nearly 15 year old habit to break. I have for years checked up on my web bulletin boards whenever I had a few minutes, long before Facebook even came into the picture. And I have made some really good friends and received some great advice and support through these channels. But the amount of time I spend clicking the refresh button waiting for a reply has been creeping up in the last few years. Cutting it out is hard. REALLY hard.

Three weeks ago I put my new plan into effect and unsurprisingly enough, not surfing the web all the time has opened up a bunch of time for me. So I have cleaned out my china hutch, reorganized my pots and pans cabinet, read more books and started to reseason my cast iron. My house is cleaner, I am happier and I am not missing much on the internet even with less time spent there.

Eventually, I am going to attempt to limit my TV, computer and iPhone game time to a total of 2-3 hours a day, just like I (try really really hard to) limit A's. But let's not jump ahead of ourselves here, with that much time on my hands I might have to resolve to exercise more. Let's just start with baby steps toward the goal.